In which we talk about weird dreams

couple nights ago, i had a really, really weird dream. I want to write it down before I forget.

So it started out on a ship...Set in early 1900's. I wasn't myself. I was someone else. This someone else was in love with two men, but she didn't know it yet. She ignored the one and adored the other. But the ship set sail and she left the man she adored on the shore. The man she was trying to ignore was on the ship with her, and she had insulted him so they didn't talk much. But it was a gradually closing distance. They watched each other from across the ship. Then, one day he was playing chess with someone and happened to look up at her and she knew. Like I had known the whole time, that she loved him.
It is so weird how dreams let you feel that. I haven't crushed on someone, like really crushed on someone for years. But I felt it here.

The dream changed. I walked on an ocean that was a path. From my left and from my right the wind gusted at me. My hair stood strait up, it didn't have time to fall because the wind was so constant. The ocean path was narrow. On either side of it was a grave yard. And I could hear my mom in my head telling me how very morbid this all was. So I pulled out my ipod and picked out an Evanescence song. . .because it seemed appropriate. (is that random? yes.)

I turned from the ocean path to wander into the graveyard. it was yellow. the grass was all dead. there was a certain air of unrest that i got. Normally graveyards strike me as eerie and heavy with history, but peaceful. This one was different. There were cats all over.
(I hate cats. It's a hate that's been growing since my youth. This Christmas Eve, my g-ma's cat pushed me over the edge and now I can say I -udderly- loath cats. Anyhoo, that's a story for a different time......heh, udderly.)
I knew I was somewhere in the Southern states, and I knew that I lived with these two old ladies who owned tons of cats and were keepers of the graveyard. Our house was like a modified crypt combined with an old farmhouse.
Elly was visiting me there. We were eating breakfast and she thought it would be funny to put catnip into my milk....which I didn't notice till halfway through the meal. By that time I had catnip stuck all over the inside of my mouth. I went over to the sink and began to dislodge it from my mouth. It was stuck on the roof of my mouth and underneath my tongue. (ew.)

And then I woke up and promptly realized that the top half of my retainer was no longer in my mouth. I must have taken it out, thinking it was catnip. It was 6:45 am. I searched unsuccessfully for it and laid back down. I thought about how I hate the orthodontist until I fell back asleep.
At noon, when I woke up for realsies, I found the retainer in the crack between my bed and the wall. Thankfully it was not squished or covered in cobwebs of any sort.

The End.


I don't tend to think my dreams mean anything. They are more often random than not...but the whole ocean and graveyard thing was so abstract and so different from what I normally dream....usually my dreams are a bit more of a down to earth brand of weird...i don't know how to explain it, it was just a strange dream and I keep thinking about it.

I feel funny. Odd. Like I've been thawed from carbonite. Or like I've been pulled from the hole in the ground and escaped from Wonderland. Like that talking doorknob was finally opened from the other side, and I was pulled out. I feel like I had fallen asleep and very gradually my fingers and toes are getting that prickly sensation you get when the blood is having a hard time getting to them. And like my dream, I do feel like the wind is coming at me from either side and my hair's standing on end. But I love it. The wind is reminding me that I am alive. As cheese ball as that sounds.
My life has a new meaning lately.

I haven't gone outside much this winter. The last couple of years, I've made a point to. Me and winter like each other. This year, I just haven't...dunno why.

There's this John Mayer song called Half of My Heart that I'm in love with right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xlOQ0ySpVY
It talks about loving someone half-heartedly. And if I'm honest, that's how my attitude is right now towards God. I wish it wasn't but there's still that half of me that says "Uh, we ain't doin that again. Look at this, it's easier."
The problem is that I am not a half hearted kinda person. I tend to be more of an all or nothing kinda gal. And what happens is I end up living two lives.

I'm not saying I want to be this way, but reality often contradicts our wishes. Whenever I think of it, all I can do is throw my hands up in surrender. Because I know that if I try, I'm gonna mess it up more. It's a strange and new "I am nothing" concept for me.

I could keep writing but I think that's enough for today considering I dumped all the crazy dream stuff on ya. Apologies.

What is a dream that sticks out in you memory? Do y'all think dreams have meaning?

Will you know me?

Bare with me here. I just really want to post this. I realize it's not the wisest thing to do but to paraphrase a brilliant person (during Dollhouse), freedom is being allowed to make your own mistakes. This very well may be one of those mistakes. This crazy person likes to publicize their mistakes as much as possible.

This is a sort of letter, in a series of letters written to a lost friend of mine.
I am not publicizing so that they see it, necessarily. But because today I remembered what it was like to hug someone. Without going out of my way to seem any more emo than I already do, this is my way of letting you all know me. I want so very badly to be known by someone. I wish I could walk around with an x-ray all the time so you all could always see my guts. To hell with the radiation side effects. It would be worth the extra heads I'd grow.
Please, please, please do not mistake this as an act of bravery. I am a coward, a desperately lonely one.





I woke this morning and remembered I dreamed of you last night.

I don't think you'll ever know how disturbing that is to me.

Not because you were mean in the dream, cause you weren't.

I can't remember what I dreamt, but I think you were trying to make me better. To fix me.

I am broken, you know. I don't know how I got this way. Don't worry, all my theories lead me to believe it was my fault.

I'll tell you why the dream is upsetting to me.

It's cause I'm trying to move on.

Honestly trying. Not half-heartedly, sorta doing it. I have surrendered to the change, the reality of not seeing you everyday but still wishing to. And I am shooting my thoughts of you out of the sky, so that maybe one day I won't think to wonder where you are and what you dreamed about last night.

I'm letting you go, so that I can breathe again.

I've been doing well. I've been succeeding in a strange way that feels akin to amputating an arm. Then I dream of you and I have the phantom pains, like I am on the outside of the window looking in on your life and you looking at mine. And God knows, that dammit, it hurts. But He isn't telling why.

In my mind you are the same person who looked at me silently, doing everything in your power to make it better. To undo it from the very beginning.

Perhaps that's why it hurts.




The end.

I try to post a link every time I update. On So You Think You Can Dance this week, on of the girls, Kathryn, used this song for her solo. I tried to find video of that. (it was beautiful) It's actually not letting me post anything for some reason right now, so go to youtube and look up Brooke Fraser's Shadowfeet. It's my song of the week.

oh, and i've decided not to apologize for my written language. I think the words all the time, and my writing exposes my heart of hearts. I only speak da bad words when it's fitting and in the right company. cause i work with kids, live with an 8 year-old sister and I don't want to form any sort of verbal habit...or give my mom a heart attack. However, it's already a mental habit and is manifesting onto my pages. o wells. there are worse things.