I underestimate my need for friends. I know that is so unfair to you all. but it's one of my failing that I haven't gotten around to amending yet.
I forget how good it is to talk you all. How it is food for my soul to laugh with you. To be with you.
I am convinced there is not enough hugging going around in this world. Hugs are the best.
My North Carolina family goes back home today....And I exaggerate not, I am feeling ill, sick to my stomach, because I'm so sad. It's not usually hard for me to say goodbye. Life moves people in and out of our lives and I've always known that crying does not help them come back any sooner. It doesn't change what is. But I couldn't help myself this time.
I live inside my mind. And inside my mind, I tell myself that I am a secondary friend to you all. I am replaceable. Life continues on without me, just as easily as it did with. I am distant from you all in my mind. Like a bird fly way, way overhead. There but not. A third wheel. And think I am realizing that all that might be a lie. A big, hairy one. One that has robbed us.
I think that's why I am so torn up about them leaving. But then again, I don't want to rationalize it. I want to believe that I am torn up because I may be somewhat human.
Work at the swim school is humanizing me. I am less of an alien now. Let me tell you, being human is weird.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Y-XBWXY9H0
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Where were you?
"I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, Where you been?
He said, Ask anything.
Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad" -The Fray "You Found Me"
I was sitting in the back seat of a car watching the world through a small break in the frost on my window. The Fray played on the radio, and as the only star in the sky centered itself in my patch of frostless window, I wondered if it was coincidence...If maybe God had lined that star up inside the frame of ice crystals for me to see. But as the car turned and the star disappeared, I turned from the window. Because it wasn't good enough. And it dawned on me.
I've figured out why I am mad at God.
It's because if he loved me, he would have saved her. He would have made her believe. He would have softened her heart. He would have given me the strength to help her.
That's why I am where I am now. That's why I graduated early. It's why I haven't knelt before Him for months. It's why my passion is dead. I'm so sick of being sorry. Cause I don't know why I couldn't do a thing. I don't know what I should have done differently, other than care less than I did.... So there it is. I can do nothing to change it. That's what it is and now I know. I don't know what else there is to say. Except that I don't know where this epiphany leads me or what it makes me.
Cause as much as i tell myself that i planted a seed. and that someone else will come along and help her to believe...i am in the end met with the fact that she is more angry and more sorrowful than before she knew me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obhdTlImFBo i think the Fray wrote this song for me.
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, Where you been?
He said, Ask anything.
Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad" -The Fray "You Found Me"
I was sitting in the back seat of a car watching the world through a small break in the frost on my window. The Fray played on the radio, and as the only star in the sky centered itself in my patch of frostless window, I wondered if it was coincidence...If maybe God had lined that star up inside the frame of ice crystals for me to see. But as the car turned and the star disappeared, I turned from the window. Because it wasn't good enough. And it dawned on me.
I've figured out why I am mad at God.
It's because if he loved me, he would have saved her. He would have made her believe. He would have softened her heart. He would have given me the strength to help her.
That's why I am where I am now. That's why I graduated early. It's why I haven't knelt before Him for months. It's why my passion is dead. I'm so sick of being sorry. Cause I don't know why I couldn't do a thing. I don't know what I should have done differently, other than care less than I did.... So there it is. I can do nothing to change it. That's what it is and now I know. I don't know what else there is to say. Except that I don't know where this epiphany leads me or what it makes me.
Cause as much as i tell myself that i planted a seed. and that someone else will come along and help her to believe...i am in the end met with the fact that she is more angry and more sorrowful than before she knew me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obhdTlImFBo i think the Fray wrote this song for me.
Friday, December 19, 2008
grrrr.....ARGH
I am frustrated.
I think that I do not see things the way I used to see them.
And the more I try to look back, the angrier I become.
Cause I can't see things as purely as I did.
I don't know what to blame it on.
It could be that I am getting old.
It could be that I was wrong about what I saw.
But I don't think it mattered what I saw, if it was true or false.
It mattered that I saw it, purely.
When I looked at it so absolutely focused, there was passion.
Passion is dead.
The sad thing about passion biting the dust is that apathy replaces it.
There is just the dull throb of a heart that doesn't care.
The irritation at things that beg you to care.
I don't, sorry.
It could be that I can't pray without asking for something.
It could be that I am angry at God.
But everything I blame on him is my fault really.
I guess that's all I have to say about that.
This is where I've landed for now.
Don't ask me how I feel about it!
Cause I don't have any problem telling you.
I am frustrated.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p62rfWxs6a8
I think that I do not see things the way I used to see them.
And the more I try to look back, the angrier I become.
Cause I can't see things as purely as I did.
I don't know what to blame it on.
It could be that I am getting old.
It could be that I was wrong about what I saw.
But I don't think it mattered what I saw, if it was true or false.
It mattered that I saw it, purely.
When I looked at it so absolutely focused, there was passion.
Passion is dead.
The sad thing about passion biting the dust is that apathy replaces it.
There is just the dull throb of a heart that doesn't care.
The irritation at things that beg you to care.
I don't, sorry.
It could be that I can't pray without asking for something.
It could be that I am angry at God.
But everything I blame on him is my fault really.
I guess that's all I have to say about that.
This is where I've landed for now.
Don't ask me how I feel about it!
Cause I don't have any problem telling you.
I am frustrated.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p62rfWxs6a8
Friday, December 5, 2008
I miss the ocean
The ocean and I have an understanding
An allowance of faults on either end
An comprehension and acceptance at the other's imperfection
Still we fight each other all day
Until I am exhausted
And she resolves to bury my toes in sand
The sea and I are not angry
Not at each other
We meet each other as competitors
As scientists to see who will survive
As equal hearts pitched against the other
And as I stand against her
She thrashes and drags me in
I struggle to resist her gravity
She recedes then ingests me like mouthwash
I no longer stand
She spits me back up
Because she doesn't need me
And I lay in the sand
Too tired to give a crap that it's everywhere
That the little grains are melding with the fibers of my suit
Who would care
Who would dare to object
I have lost and am content to loose
So the soaked sand takes me in
As the ocean reaches her fingers up
To tell me to rest
To say she's sorry
To ask me back in
Happy Birthday....man, i think it's been like a year since i've written some semblance of poetry...i'm afraid that is my only excuse.
The ocean and I have an understanding
An allowance of faults on either end
An comprehension and acceptance at the other's imperfection
Still we fight each other all day
Until I am exhausted
And she resolves to bury my toes in sand
The sea and I are not angry
Not at each other
We meet each other as competitors
As scientists to see who will survive
As equal hearts pitched against the other
And as I stand against her
She thrashes and drags me in
I struggle to resist her gravity
She recedes then ingests me like mouthwash
I no longer stand
She spits me back up
Because she doesn't need me
And I lay in the sand
Too tired to give a crap that it's everywhere
That the little grains are melding with the fibers of my suit
Who would care
Who would dare to object
I have lost and am content to loose
So the soaked sand takes me in
As the ocean reaches her fingers up
To tell me to rest
To say she's sorry
To ask me back in
Happy Birthday....man, i think it's been like a year since i've written some semblance of poetry...i'm afraid that is my only excuse.
Monday, December 1, 2008
cheese. I am officially exhausted.
i've been debating with myself for the last week or two. Same old stuff. The stuff I don't speak to people about because it's too hard.
I've come to the conclusion that grey exists in our minds. Not in reality. That's what I think. There is no such thing as grey.
I think I've been so lukewarm lately....i've been making myself want to puke. It is one of the things that I hate myself for. I wish I had the guts to do stuff all the way instead of putting my toe over the edge....and at the same time i'm glad i don't leap off of moral buildings, because there is this thing called gravity and it tends to catch up with you...but it's just one of those things that presents itself to me as a weakness. And that just grates on my nerves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeNJoBmgZA0
i've been debating with myself for the last week or two. Same old stuff. The stuff I don't speak to people about because it's too hard.
I've come to the conclusion that grey exists in our minds. Not in reality. That's what I think. There is no such thing as grey.
I think I've been so lukewarm lately....i've been making myself want to puke. It is one of the things that I hate myself for. I wish I had the guts to do stuff all the way instead of putting my toe over the edge....and at the same time i'm glad i don't leap off of moral buildings, because there is this thing called gravity and it tends to catch up with you...but it's just one of those things that presents itself to me as a weakness. And that just grates on my nerves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeNJoBmgZA0
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