I'm gonna be upfront with you. I used to think that church was like a club where we all grasped the same truth that God accepts us all the way we are...That the truth bonded us together, and I for one was at a loss of how to convey this truth to others. It was bigger than words. I thought we all understood. That it was an inherent truth.
I don't know how to say this without insulting everybody. Perhaps I can just preface it with a "I really don't mean this meanly, it's just how I see things and it's a horrible truth. And I apologize in advance." I don't know if that'll help, but I've said it and I won't repeat it.
I feel like there is a happy little box that church labels as "good" and if you don't fit in that box, well, too bad for your sorry behind. I'm not saying God says this, it's all the human doing. Heck, it's my doing.
I haven't realized I felt this way until recently, but I had the thought and then looked back over my experiences with church people. Overwhelmingly, I remembered feeling that I was the weirdo that should go sit in the corner and shut my mouth. It was never anything tangible. There's no real offense to be mentioned. Just the air of the people around me. Particularly when I shaved my head...and when I carved a "P" in my arm...and when I wore torn up jeans to services. It was never anything anyone said, but rather the frowns and the way the crowds parted to make way for you...like you're contagious. That's all.
I am just as guilty in this. I've accepted the satus quo instead of naming my claim as an equally pleasing child of God. I've allowed myself to think of certain persons as "church royalty." There would be boys that I crushed on, but left alone because they were in a different "class" than myself. I've allowed myself to believe that others thought of me as a charity case because I don't wear the spiffiest clothes (nor did I care to, by the way,) which was judging them just as harshly as they judged me. Except I was actually judging, they were just wonderful people. If they were judging, it's between them and God. None of my beezwax.
I'm not writing this to rant or get it out of my system, which I will admit, is usually why I write. But instead, I'd like to pose a question; Why are we like this? What are we missing?
It's like we compete against each other. Like we're afraid of one another. What's up with that? (ooooooweeeeee) It makes me think that every single one of us is oblivious. We are so clueless.
I was watching Lady GaGa on Ellen (I promise I'm not obsessed,) and she was talking about how she was always the weirdo in high school and never felt like she fit in. So her show is meant to create an atmosphere where people feel accepted. She says she is the freak so people have someone to relate to. That's something that draws people. And at church people have become experts at judging and rejecting people in their own passive aggressive way. I'm not saying that we as the church need to be all accepting and place band-aids over sin. But on the other rim of the teacup, I do not believe it is our job to condemn anyone.
Not saying I have it all figured out. Quite the contrary, I believe attention needs to be called here. And I want to be held accountable for my own thoughts and actions, and hope someone else can maybe relate.
Let me tell you something else that will probably offend you; I believe every one of us are freaks. It's all a matter of what we are freaky about and how well we hide it.
As it turns out, Christians are great at pretending they aren't freaks. In reality, I believe we are called to be Jesus Freaks.
So just to prove that I am a freak, I will tell you some things that may make me socially unacceptable in your eyes.
-I watch 24 just for the torture scenes.
-Lady GaGa made me cry today, -no joke- and Poker Face is the second most played song on my ipod.
-I love the feeling of no hair on my head.
-I used to want to be an assassin as a kid, thought it'd be pretty cool.
-Then I really wanted to be a pirate after that.
-I have always hated the thought of getting married and having kids, it just sounds so obnoxiously boring to me.
-The Twilight books sucked me in. (heh) I couldn't put 'em down.
-I adore being angry. It's odd, I know. I just love the feeling. I wish I could be angry more often.
-I have a drawer full of chocolates and stuff that open when I'm feeling distressed.
-I'm freakishly over protective of everyone I know. To the point of ruining relationships.
-I have a few Imaginary Friends still. Not the scary kind. Just imaginary characters that I am extremely well acquainted with.
-I'm a Gleek. That show made me cry a few times too. (I'm pathetic, I know.)
-I have a brain and I use it to make thoughts. Again, I apologize if this is offensive or threatening to you.
-I 'm a fangirl and also a fanfiction author.....yeah.
-Right now, I'm reading "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and I luff-...I luff-...I love it.
-Oooh, and I'm an escapist. I disappear from my problems into books and movies and TV shows or just thinking up my own stories. Anything but dealing with real life. it's an addiction to fiction.
I think that's enough. You get it. That's all. I hope I haven't lost any friend over this....*sigh*
On a different subject. I'd like to inform you all that I am crying a lot recently! It's wonderful. I would blame global warming, but there are some undeniable God fingerprints all over this. (For those of you who don't know, I have been emotionally constipated for like two years now.) That seems dumb and overly dramatic at the same time, but I feel like it is a sign of the changing seasons in my life. From winter to spring. Lord willing.
there's nothing else to say. that's it. i wish i could think of a video to post here. thought about posting the GaGa video that made me cry, but i figure i'd stop freaking you out today. if you're feeling brave, the song is called "Speechless." and she talks about it on Ellen. So look up the interview with Ellen first, then listen to the song. She talks about it in the very end......I'll shut my yapper now.
