I have to post this video. This song is every bit me, right now. It's the process I've been in for forever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WaVv874DfE


The knowledge that I should stop this is never enough to actually stop me. In a matter of weeks I'll want it back and I'll feel guilty for neglecting it and have to grovel which will not help anything. It's less work to just maintain the connection I have to it.

Everything is so busy right now. How bizarre that only a couple weeks after the fall starts, my life is stacked with volumes of people and worries that it should be bursting were I to adhere to previous standards of busy-ness. But it's not. And I like it like this. It's beautiful chaos. A never ending tumble-dry setting to rid me of the rain.
Seasons.

I like that my life is no longer defined by desolation. I also like that it was not some boy that pulled me out of the hole I was living in.

Speaking of boys, I am irked by people's apparent desire to set me up with them. Firstly I did not just finish 14 years of school to just settle down. Forget it.
Secondly I refuse to be the pretty, dolled-up girl they require of me. I am not a prize to be won. I'm not something to obtain. I am not something to do. I am not something to complete them. I'm not sure what I am per say, but I know what I am not.
Thirdly I have a lot of decisions to make at this juncture and I'd like to make them without having to consider a "soul mate" into the equation.

Sometimes I think people take relationships way too lightly and loneliness too seriously. Loneliness won't kill ya. Not unless you live in Hollywood. Take it easy. Don't sell yourself out for a little, short term comfort.

I think everyone may have forgotten about blogs.

.............



I started school a few weeks ago. Ironically, I am loving school now. I think it was wise to break for a year. I had 14 strait years of school, for heaven's sake. That's a lot. A person deserves a break. I am ready for the challenge. We'll see how long my enthusiasm lasts.



I am really feeling a lot better, mentally. Truly. I'm not just saying it.
I do think that I am a little addicted to the feeling of grieving something. I have nothing left to grieve anymore really. But I think it might only be a matter of time before I dig something else up. I don't think I can stand to go too long without that achy feeling in my chest. Weird, no? I don't know what that is. I'm just telling you.



My fish tanks need cleaning. I am sooooo very tired all the time. I think I've already written on here that I've read somewhere the insomniacs experience a feeling of euphoria when they are really sleep deprived....which I don't disagree with. I just lay there and think about everything. Seriously everything. Until my eyes start making funny shapes out of the shadows.



I think the thing that I wonder about most is how all these amazing things are happening in the lives of the people I love. Amazing God things.

I feel nothing....Nothing but that empty nothing-ness sort of feeling.

Now, I know feelings are dumb. They lie. And I also know that it's not about me. And please do not misunderstand me, I am very, very happy that the people I love are being changed and metamorphosing into new and amazing people. I just feel like the doofus who's radio must be tuned to the wrong station or something cause I am not getting too much here. Just a load of static.



I know that theoretically, the answer to this problemo is to speak truth to myself...but at the same time.....I don't know, I'm just stubborn. I know the truth. I know God is there. I know He cares about me. So in a way this numbness is making the truth worse for me to hear. It makes me angry. Not even gonna lie. I am mad at God. I know that He is all powerful. He could stop this. So.....? What's the deal here?

I dunno.



And there is that small part of my brain that's screaming at me, saying that the whole last paragraph is bull, and I know it. Let me revise. God is here with me. God loves me. God will never leave me or forsake me. He's right here. He's right here. He's right here. He's right here. He's right here.



What else? there is nothing else. that's all.

I told you I'd find something to be sad about. I'm addicted to the sadness. I told you.

*edit*
I wrote-ed this a while ago, but I haven't posted it cause I wanted to skim over it to make sure there is not any dumb-ness in there, but then I thought Where would life be without dumbness?
In a very boring place, Jimmy. That's where.

I'd also like to add that I am getting enough sleep to let me dream again. Which is GLORIOUS! dreaming is my favorite. wonderful. spiffy. shiny-ness.
Last night I dreamed that I was in the desert somewhere and way down underground was some sort of metal that caused other metals that came over it to emit electrical energy and do crazy stuff. So I had earings in and they were allowing my ears to pick up sound better when I was there. (so cool) and so I could here people's hearts beating and their footsteps and stuffs.
perdy sweet.

that's all