I wasn't going to post this, but here we go anyway.
I have realized that I've been stuck on a friendship that has long since past. I have been constantly looking back and thinking what ifs and feeling guilt about it. It has effected all my other relationships. I have been hiding. It's been painful to even think about moving on because I feared I would be betraying what I had. Like I owed the friend something.

I'm not saying things will suddenly be different now that I've realized this. I will say though that for the first time I've actually dared to think that they aren't stuck like I am, and maybe I don't need to be either.

Long, long, long time coming. I want to fall asleep with the peace the thought brings.

Of course I've known that I am probably the only one still dwelling on the past, but I'd hoped that perhaps things could be like they were again and maybe I'd be braver this time.

Now I think that they have all moved on and that's wonderful because I can too. No one is counting on me to do otherwise.

Y'know what else, if anything I did was wrong before, it is forgiven and far from me. The past does not define me. I am new....and shiny. A whole lot lighter if you ask me because the past isn't me any more.

So there ya go, another post that doesn't make sense. O wells.

A creep and a weirdo.

This is the greatest and best song in the world...k not really. but it's my favorite, right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEVOVN24R08
It's a Nine Inch Nails cover. love, love, love Flyleaf.

It has been forever since I've written a single thing on here. Seeing as I have been in this trend of expressively vomiting lately, I think I will update this baby. Just be warned, I feel as if the hormonal bit of my period didn't end when it should have...which would have been, what, two weeks ago, ish? I am so very moody and just generally a scary person right now.

My goldfish died. I'd cuss, if I were in the habit. Do you suppose people who cuss feel freer?....Is freer a word? Much more freer. Free-er? Whatever. Spell checker says yes. Freer. weird.
I loved that goldfish. It's dumb, I know, to love a goldfish. But "I often give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. " Name that movie.

There's this song that I love, partially cause it reminds me of someone I used to know. One of the lines in it goes something like "wage this war against your faith in me," and that's out of context of the song, and is actually just about the only song I actually like in the song...but I've always related to it. cause I've always felt like people's perceptions of me are way very mistaken. (ha ha, way very. that came out funny.)
Not saying people think I'm wonderful or anything, and if you do you are way very mucho mistaken, but some people think I'm nice.....which is all sorts of a misunderstanding. I am a coward. I am not nice. Let me tell you, you have mistaken my fear of upsetting people for a desire to not upset them at all. I wonder if all pacifists are cowards or just me? People think I am well-behaved because I've never had a boy, well that's cause I'm scared to death of it, not cause i don't want to. maybe y'all already knew that.
There are other things, but I am too lazy to list them...Let us deal with one thing at a time shall we.
Point being, I love that song cause I think life would be much easier if you all knew my deepest, dingiest thoughts. Then I could not feel like an impostor and we could all move on with our lives....*sigh* it doesn't matter what I feel.

This probably doesn't make a bit of sense. I kinda past caring.

I'm sorry, I have to write this. I know it's bad blogging all these problems instead of speaking to people about them, but it's always been easier for me. Path of least resistance, as it were...What does the phrase "as it were" mean? I have no clue. I just used it, tho.

I am developing a pet peeve. I hate it when people point out my problems...I know my problems. I am very, very aware. Golly, if i knew how to fix most of them, i would.
Some of them are just too comfortable to fix. That's my main issue right now, I don't care to fix my loner-ness. It is quite convenient to be by myself. I actually enjoy it most of the time. Amy Lee said once "I've learned to love being alone." That's me. I love it. It's the best. Mostly. A good portion of the time.

This loner tendency is just reinforced by the time I've practiced it. I feel awkward now when I'm with people. I should say more awkward. I don't fit anywhere. Sheesh this sucks, cause I used to. I used to know people that spoke my language. Oh wells. It's stupid to dwell on it, I spose. It is unlikely to occur again, therefor I must stop thinking about it and stop expecting it from people.
Learn a new language. A normal one, please.

Church. It's an interesting place. K, no it's not. But it is a place where my not-fitting-in-ness is exponentially magnified. I don't know how that happens, but it's how it has always been for me. I've gotten along just fine, comparatively except for at church. Course, I've had my buddies, who have been God sends and life savers and whom I've had to do without this last year.
Weeeeeeellls, I don't know why I feel like this. It's just the way it is. I wish I was ok with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5vC7mZK_PE

people are always so pretty at church....pretty, pretty people. lovely, really
...Ok, really? What am I doing here? bathing in bitterness, I suppose. Letting my toes get pruney.