I miss you

I have certain friends that I don't see anymore, but of course still on facebook with. I can never decide whether to message them or leave them comment or not. I think about it. A lot.

I think, "Perhaps I should tell whosit I am thinking of them. Or soinso that I dreamt about them last night."

Then I think, specifically because some of these people are at a distance for a reason, because some crazy stuff went down in our past and it's a little painful to recall it, I think that maybe I shouldn't say anything. Perhaps it hurts them when I say "I miss you."
This thought bothers me because I blame myself for pretty much everything that happens...But I think they might blame themselves, too. And I don't want them to think that me saying "I miss you," translates to "Why'd you have to screw up, ya dork! If you hadn't done ... we'd still be hangin' out."

Is this outlandish paranoia?

That translation isn't true, by the way. The reason we don't hang out is solely because I am a bad friend. I do not take the initiative. I hide out in my cave.

What "I miss you" really translates to is "I value you. You mean much to me. I love you and I'm sorry that I suck."

*sigh*

On a different sort of note. i had a really good day today. i may be a little hasty to state what i'm about to state, but here it is.
i feel like the something in the atmosphere has shifted. like the clouds have broken and the sun is shining. or maybe i can just see the beauty of the snow all of a sudden.

i'm speaking figuratively of course. my mental well being seems all of a sudden to be well. it seems like a little different from doom and dispair and gloom and "why, God, why"-ness. which is odd. cause he hasn't answered any of my questions.

I had a revelation a while back...way back. when i was in a time a spiritual draught, that even if God never showed himself to me like he has in the past, even if i never felt the way i did ever ever again, that it would be okay. cause i know he's touched my life. and what i've had is enough for the rest of my go at life.
that sounds brave. but what i'm trying to say is it's not because i won't need him for the rest of my life. it's because in those moments when he has been closest to me, he has been enough for the rest of all time. i have no idea if that makes any sense at all.

well anyhow, same rule applies now. Someone said once that they know that they don't want to go back to the way they were with God. Not because it was bad but because God is all about the new. He is about bringing us to new places to experience new things.
and it's like the clouds have broken and i get this all of a sudden. I don't know how this happens. but it isn't the first time, and it doesn't happen with fanfare. it is like the clouds shifting, quiet and subtle.

i just found this song and it is so right for right now that i think i might puke.


Tenth Avenue North "Times"
I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?
Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?
I hear You say,
"My love is over.
It's underneath.
It's inside.
It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My power alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

I got several thing to write aboot.

One of which being my endeavor to discover why on earth all the Twilight books are so crazy popular.
I had a theory. Have a theory, actually. It is that in the first book specifically, that we are drawn in by what I can explain best as the Sexy-Back effect. Justin Timberlake's song was largely successful (in my opinion,) because it tells you that you are sexy. People enjoy hearing that. Makes you feel all fluffy inside.
In Twilight, you begin with this non-descript girl. Nothing special. Super clumsy. Bookworm. She moves to this new school, and every boy in sight falls for her. Not only that, but the unobtainable, gorgeous, immortal vampire boy is freakishly attracted to her.
This alone makes the book fun to read. It's the psychology of it. And yes, I was completely taken in.
The other, more interesting draw I found was the character development. As the books went on and the plot was....not my favorite, you love it anyway cause you adore the characters cause the have been explained to you so very well that you know them.

So after discovering this, I looked at my own writing and found......that I suck at character development. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah, well. I now have to meet my people. I have to know them like Harold Crick. I have to spend some serious time chatting with them....I have to lose my mind again! Huzzah!!!!

Also, on a different note, I believe I may have another disorder to add to my list. Among the Peter Pan problemo and the slight schizo tendency, I may have something to do with my addiction to alone time. I don't know if I could label it as something different from what I've named, or if it simply a symptom.
People with schizophrenia can have catatonic symptoms, meaning they repeat the same motions again and again, not breaking from routine or they don't move at all. Often this manifests itself in a twitch or it can be bigger than that....i think.
I also know that people with OCD can have issues with leaving the house. I don't think I have OCD, I think I am lazy.

That's that....What else?

I watched last thursday's CSI. Gil Grissom left. I started to tear up when he was leaving the lab and then when he was wandering through the jungle I was sobbing. Elly thought I was insane.
well yeah.
I was SOOOO depressed after Sara left a while back. Like irrationally depressed over a tv show. No one should be that depressed over a tv show. But I was. And I was also, kid you not, sobbing for joy at the end of this one.
All I really have to say is that in a few years I will be like my mom and will cry during the commercials. *sigh* it is inevitable.

i had way more...but i can't think of 'em now. it's late. more than half of what i've written already makes no sense, so i'll quit now. oh, and here's the youtube of the day. makes me think of GSR. so here ya go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPf9Uksy91I

Backfire

I had a really freaky dream the other night.

Reader's digest version, my mom and I were watching these guys preform a play in a living-room-like setting. It got to a tense part in which the lights started flashing and the two men in front of us began to change. They transformed from human to something very inhuman with wrinkly long noses...ew.
Mom was telling me not to be afraid, which told me firstly that she was scared and secondly that I maybe should also be nervous. I was nervous. Actually, I was freaked.
I started whispering "Jesus, Jesus" under my breath until my jaw froze up. I couldn't say His name anymore. Then I was extremely scared. I knew something was very wrong.

The lights went out completely. A moment later the lights were back on. Intermission.

There were a couple of other people in the room. A few boys were looking at their arms, saying "He touched me." They had two little red marks on their arms, one near their wrists and the other on the flip side of their arms near the elbow. I had the marks too.
Mom and I were leaving, not wishing to see the rest.
The other lady that was there said something to the effect of "You guys are leaving right before the good forces vanquish the bad dudes! The whole point of the play is the redemptive ending."
We didn't care.

I woke up and my dog, Easton's head was right next to mine on the pillow. He groaned the most human, anguished groan you have ever imagined coming from a dog. Easton dreams often, and will bark or growl in his dreams, but I have never heard him make a noise like that before. Hewie-Lewie, that freaked me out more than the dream.
I immediately thought that whatever had brought my nightmare to me was bringing the same to him. I woke him up and did what I couldn't in my dream. I said Jesus over and over and over. And then when I was thinking a bit better, I prayed, rebuked the Enemy, and pled Jesus' blood over the house. Then I did what I haven't done in YEARS, I took Easton and we went upstairs, woke the parents up and had them pray for us.

I am very sure that there was a spirit of fear camping out in my room that night....Which....should freak me out....However, I find that it brings perspective. Sometimes, actually like all the time, I have a really rough time remembering that the world I see is only one very thin layer of the onion. And that we live in a world where angels and demons are very real.
I LOVE THIS PERSPECTIVE!!!!
Upon my word. I love the reality of the situation. I am small in a large spiritual war... And I have the God of the Universe there to help me out. Now, if you don't find that just plain spiffy, I don't know what to do with you!

Anyhow, I am enjoying pointing out how this backfired. An attempt to scare that crap out of me only worked momentarily. And now I feel braver than I have in about three years, I think. So there. Thank You, God. And as that lost boy said "that was a great game."

Hahaha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXQkplGz05c
The chorus of this song, I believe translates literally to say don't quit me. Which I think is rather poetic. The functional use of the phrase is don't leave me. Just a perdy song. Sting has an sweeeet voice.

Chick Flick

I have been told...after watching the various chick flicks with the married persons of my chick-flick-watching-people...They laugh and say "That is so not how it is."

If this fact is true....and falling in love is not nearly as exciting and glorious and logic-defying as the movies say....................Well, I think I can deal with that. There are other things to live for right? Like sky diving and deep sea diving and other sorts of diving that involve danger and crazy adrenaline rushes.

I think, what I should do.....assuming this is true...is I should go to college. Minor in psychology. Miraculously get over my aversion to blood and study to be a doctor. Then I will go to some third world country and find employment at an orphanage.

This would seem good. And does seem good. Until I watch Pride and Prejudice again or read an amazing romance novel like I just have.....and I think to my ghost of a social life....meh. It is depressing how quickly I no longer want to get an education of any sort. How I want to wait here until someone finds me. I want to wait here and write about waiting. Similar to this. That is all.

I feel like it should be better defined. Like it should be black or white. Just tell me what it's like! Cause if none of it is as good as they say, I really don't want anything to do with it.
I don't want to get neck deep into some relationship and then discover that it's really lame...Like if all it chalks up to is the equivalent of sitting on the couch, watching football, and eating potato chips, figuratively speaking of course. I don't want that.

Good grief. These romantic stories scare me to death. I need to just stop thinking aboot it.