*deep breaths*
When a person surrenders their addictions, that don't stop being an addict, right? It's my understanding that an addict is always an addict.
Confession is like detox. It's an exorcism and a release....and slightly more humiliating than I had originally estimated. But not in the way I had guessed it would be. I thought I would be rejected and looked down upon, encouraged to attend more therapy sessions, ostracized.
That's not what happened. I was accepted into a community of people who are dependant on the Blood of Jesus, just like I have chosen to be. A community of people whose pasts are wrecks that they have been rescued from and that they walk independently from today. Their burn outs and rock bottoms don't define them anymore. Just like how my past is. It's a community that sees all my missteps and says that they have been there too. All isn't lost....(Oooh, there is some awesome LOTR quote that I am dying to post here, if I could just remember it. This sounds like a good reason to have a marathon.)
The humiliating part is good. Because I don't ever want to get myself into a situation like that again if I can help it. I know that I'll mess up at some point, but I am trying extra hard now to remember to ask for help...I have a whole strategy to employ now when I'm tempted. And I fully intend to use my entire arsenal to keep from falling in that marsh again.
I didn't feel bad about what I was doing. I didn't. It wasn't out of guilt that I was compelled into action, I am an expert at explaining away my actions to myself.
It was because of the breath-halting knowledge that God was silent in my life. And I had moved on. It was only at night that I laid in bed and tried not to think about it, that I realized how horrified I was.
(I think I know how the prodigal son felt. It's so very odd to me that God call me daughter, when I don't deserve to be a servant of his. It hasn't quite sunk in yet.
The justice half of me is fighting it. There is no way this should be possible.
The other half suggests that perhaps I shouldn't worry about the justice of it all. It defies logic, yes, but if He's giving freely maybe I should throw myself into this and think about logic when the work is done.
I dunno...and I don't think I'm meant to know, right now.)
I didn't feel bad about what I was doing. But I do now....I feel awful. I know this is an answer to prayer because I was asking Him to make me feel terrible about doing this. And I do now. It keeps me from doing it again. I don't feel guilty about it. I feel sad. It makes me want to cry that I was ever involved in it to begin with.
I just have to keep remind myself that it is as far as the East is from the West. My new favorite verse is Romans 5:1. It says that I am justified, which means it is as if I had never sinned.
Still a little big for me to fit my head around.
I've been suffocating my addictions this past week or so. I didn't purpose to kill them all at once....that's just kind of how it went.
I started out with Facebook, reasoning that it should be easy enough. I knew that I would have to get rid of the stories that play in my head constantly, because they are my escape. I am dependant on them. Those are gone now. I knew I would have to do it soon by didn't think it would be this soon, honestly. Fanfics, also gone.....My days have suddenly become unnaturally long....
I can't be sleeping for hours on end because my stories helped me do that. I'd drift in and out of sleep with them riddling my dreams. It's difficult not to think of them, it keeps me awake in the mornings.
Darn, right? I was having sleeping problems anyway. But I do get to sleep at night faster, last few days. And I've been more refreshed. So it's not all doom and gloom.
It's occurred to me that I should be filling my days with something to replace the things I'm distancing myself from. Reading my Bible has been one of those things I should do...But I am one of the most unmotivated people on the planet. I procrastinate until I can procrastinate no longer. I is lazy. I am slightly interested now, though. I've read little verses here and there, lately and it's like I've never read any of the Bible at all before. It all seems new and purposeful to me now. So I am interested, which is new for me.
I need to be careful that my addictions are replaced with the right things and not the wrong ones....like blogging, for example.
signing off-
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