I realized today that God does not operate like Superman. I also realized that in the past I've expected him to. And, as it turns out, God doesn't whisk down and save the day all the time. He is a little more subtle than that, in my experience. He also has a bigger plan that Superman does. All Superman does is react. God has a strategy, a master plan...
Interesting.

I am at a cross roads. I am nearing the end of my Passport program at Metro. I have one and a half more semesters there...or quarters...whichever. I am finishing with the swim school after this session. And a large gaping hole is left for my future to take place in. And, as is usual with me, I have no plans.

Recently I've been uncovering reality. I've been discovering how I cannot live my life halfway. I can't be a good kid part time. And I can't keep controlling particular parts of my life.
Certain things are easy to give up while others make me feel like that guy in the Bible who asks Jesus how to get to heaven and Jesus tells him to sell everything he owns and follow him. The dude couldn't do it. He walked away...miserable.

My everything that I don't want to give up is difficult to describe which is partially why I believe it's so hard for me to surrender it.
My imagination is my escape. It's my entertainment and my outlet. When I am upset, I write. When I am bored, I write. When I am confused, I write. It's my solution to many things.
Imagination has always been something that I've never truly given up to God. And I know it's become an idol for me. I've always shrugged it off, telling myself that it was impossible to know how much was too much. No one can preach much of a sermon on this type of thing because it's so personal.

I am always spilling my guts on this blog...and none of my guts are capable of lying. So I am being completely honest with you when I say that I do not want to give this up.
I know that it is not an option. Surrender is unconditional.
My feelings suck. My head wants to want this. I'm not sure what my deal is. Maybe I'm afraid that I won't have anything to fall back on. Or maybe it's just a horrible habit that has built up. I don't know. I probably don't need to know.
Right now, I'm praying that God would change my heart, that He would help me want to please Him. Because right now I am too comfortable.

That's the other thing. I think I might be meant to be a missionary somewhere. And I know that I'm just plain scared to do what I have to here. I am scared of phones, for one thing. I can't drive. I am a writer, not a doctor, not a language teacher, not a preacher, not a wife, not a business woman. (That's a funny order of things to be, is it not? It struck me as funny. But that's how they spilled out. *shrugs*) Heck, I don't even know the Bible that well. Anywhere I would go, I would be a burden.
I want so very badly to help someone with something. And I have accepted that at this point in my life I will accept the help from the people God sends my way as graciously as I can. And perhaps later I can give back. But as of now I have no money. No experience. And no confidence.

At the moment, I am rather overwhelmed and feeling on the hopeless side of things. There are so many problems that need fixing. So many hurts that have not been kissed better. Even if I was everything I wish I could be, I wouldn't know where to start.

There was a brighter side that I was going to right about, but it's late and I can't think of it at the moment....Oh, yes. For the first time in years, I am seeing stars in my dark night of the soul. I am catching glimmers of the God I was so close to as a child. It's not that he wasn't there before, I've just been blind for a really long time now....Or what seems like a long time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnDvRRY5eT4 I am still listening to this gal. Brooke Fraser is awesome...Quite frankly, it is down right upsetting to me that no one knows about her. I love almost every one of her songs on her Albertine album. This is a completely different topic of which I will not even start on other than to ask why on EARTH Christian radio stations play the same ten artists over and over and over and over again? I do not know, George.

the end