Wow, I am inspired lately. Holy moley. It seems like I go through times where I am frustrated always because I try to write and nothing comes out. And now I have so many ideas I can't seem to find enough time to get them down.

I can't figure out what has caused this.....It may have something to do with the contact I've had with friends lately. Or it could be the changing weather...I am in love with the rain. The rain and I are friends. I didn't realize it but I have been missing that rain...And although I'm a little sad that winter is gone, I'm glad for the rain. Oooooh, or maybe it was going to a wedding this Saturday....Who knows.

Weeeeell, alls I know is that my kiddos (characters in my story) are growing. And I am loving this process.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWD1oDnEfm0 I adore this music.

PS - I have discovered a cool new show. Kings...It's like the modern telling of the David and Goliath story...But mostly the David story. I need to reread it in the Bible so I can know where exactly it deviates from the actual story, which I know it does in a little more than a few ways. But altogether it is really cool. I LOVE symbolism in the a story, and this has lots of it.
The first episode was free on Itunes, but it might not be anymore...If not you can catch two episodes on Hulu.com

Holy Buckets of Crap, Batman!

Today, the sun was kind enough to thaw the Poop Marsh which is also sometimes referred to as my back yard. Naturally, the family cheerily gathered up their poop scooping equipment, which for me means a medium length shovel with a lovely square-ish spade (There's probably a fancy name for shovels like that, but I prefer to call it a medium length shovel with a lovely square-ish spade,) and a trash-bag-lined bucket. We sped forth in teams of two for thirty minute increments to conquer the land mined with dog doo.

It was while shoveling the approximate ten square feet that I covered into what would be a full bag at the end of my half hour, that I realized my motivation for scooping was half gone. My dog died. I cannot go back in and tease her about pooping so much and how I intend to toilet train her. In retrospect, such training would have saved her life. Odd.

In truth, this isn't the first day I've thought about this. The day after it snowed. All of her paw impressions were gone. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic, but it seemed like the entire world was ready to move on.

I guess I'm ok with that. I'm a pretty selfish person. If I can't find some way that I can fix it or could have fixed it then it doesn't deserve my thoughts...So, other than being a little sad that I don't see her standing at the top of the stairs when I come home and no one snuggles with me when I sit by the fire and Easton sleeps a lot more than he used to, I cannot bring myself to conjure up grief that she is gone. And if I could, I believe it would just cause other people feel guilty for making the decision to put her down.

You, however, are not allowed to think me callous. I did feel sad. And angry. And I did break out and was covered in fever blisters for a week or so....I have to prioritize now. I have to not think about how quickly she just isn't anymore and instead think about what my grief is causing others and about how I should be doing something with my life and what to do with my room next and how to keep my living dog healthy.

Anyhow, I didn't come to write about this. I wanted to write about how I am mad at certain persons for making me feel like because I really don't want to go to college it is my destiny to live in a van down by the river....and to those of you who would say "I thought that was your plan?" I say "Holy Buckets of Crap, Batman, people like that make me want to shave and tattoo my head simply for the shock value and the disapproving look on their faces that says I'm probably not included in the will anymore."

Anyone up for some cliff diving?

i found a really old blogspot of mine the other day. i'd forgotten it's existence. so for the last couple of days i have been halfheartedly reading through my 2005 rants and being glad that i've grown up a little since then.

but at the same time, i am really glad that i shaved my head. it was glorious. and reading about it almost made me want to do it again....however it has taken me just about three years to grow my hair back out, so i think i will leave it for the moment.

why was that so much fun? there is something about defying our idiotic cultural norms that fires me up. i don't know. it's probably not a Biblically endorsed tendency. ah well.....

i was also reading through and noticing how involved emotionally i was in my friends lives (emo-child am i). how the little things they did that i disagreed with upset me. how i tried to fix them.....and i am done with that. my junior year of high school broke me. i found myself completely in over my head. through that lovely experience *sarcasm* i've learned that it's not my job to save people. it shouldn't even be a hobby. it's serious business and it's God's business.

i am close to the polar opposite now. i am close to nearly no one and i worry about no one. even the ones i know will get themselves into large piles of crap. i pray for them. and i'll be there for them if they want me to be. but i've realized that unless God gives me a specific thing to say to them, i have no place giving them "mom-talks" about their well being. because what i think is best more often than not, is not God's best.

and i am praying if this perspective on friendships is not God's best that i will find out real quick before i screw anything else up. i guess, my job in relationships is to know and trust Jesus.
that's hard....*heavy sigh*


K, bunny trail, but I have noticed that it is so much easier for me to be accept the truth when i am thinking about other people. when i have my friends in mind it's easy for me to say "Jesus loves you and forgives you." but it's much harder to tell myself the same thing. i'm not sure what that means. mom would probably relate it to me being prideful in some manner...and she's probably correct.

anyhow back to the whole ancient blog thing. i want to make a point of saying what i mean in this blog. cause if you asked me what i meant about half of the stuff in that old one, i wouldn't be able to tell you. i was always cryptic and beat around the bush a ton...and i was snotty about it too. cause if you didn't know then obviously you were just too dumb to be reading my blog and i wasn't writing it for you anyway. (whoa, i'm mean)

i know i am hard to understand sometimes......and unlike before i don't do it on purpose, but more out of habit...bad habit. and so basically if i am seeming to write some bizarre, wordy something that talks about stuff but never really tells you what the stuff is, call me on it.

sometimes i do it because i don't want to mention names and sometimes i just don't think everyone wants to hear all the hairy details....(and when i say hairy, i mean like world record for longest ear hair-hairy.) or sometimes it's cause my thoughts are a tangle of several mumbo-jumbos.

i just want to work on speaking and writing clearly. so you are now allowed to call me on my crypticness.

HomeAgainJiggedyJig

I don't have much to write about.

Today my mom and I arrived back home from California after getting stuck in Dallas for about a day. Nothing like an airport to fray the nerves....I am considering traveling by train from now on. I am sick of the security hoo-ha. Although, trains are probably similar. I just wish it wasn't such an ordeal to travel.

Well, I have to tell you, I was unsuccessful. I did not cliff dive or even ride a dirt bike, or even a four wheeler......*sigh*......I did manage to fling myself into an extremely chilly pool. That was interesting. Oh and I did go to a museum full of paintings of half nude women. (pretty much thought we're gonna get thrown out, we were laughing so much. heh, glorious.)


Mark my words though, I will throw myself off a cliff before I submit myself to any form of matrimony....Hopefully rendering myself mangled in some way so's not to attract interest, thus forever granting myself freedom of the emotional and commitment kind for the entirety of my life following said reckless event.

After my trip to the rainy CA, I find myself wishing I was more motivated to write. I did hammer out one very important trait about one of my very important characters.

I smell. Living in the airport makes one stinky.

One of the most enjoyable things about California was without a doubt seeing my mom with all her old friends. Somehow it was important for me to see relationships that haven't faded over time. Even over the big distances and lack of contact. Not that I feel I have an excuse to let people slip away, but I just have a little bit of hope that maybe the people who life whisks away from me will still be good friends when we're allowed some time together again.
I hope that makes sense.
It's also a kick in the butt for me to get out there with some antiseptic and band aids to try and do what I can to fix some relationships I mashed up earlier.

Here is the mv of the day...i take it back, mv of the month - until further notice. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bap-oZI-Grc
Love the song....because my life would suck without all y'all...cheesesmile

Guess I did have a lot to write aboot. I now go to shower.
ShTINKyNESS-EXTERMINATION-AWAY!!!!! whoootah. (it's good to be home.)

I miss you

I have certain friends that I don't see anymore, but of course still on facebook with. I can never decide whether to message them or leave them comment or not. I think about it. A lot.

I think, "Perhaps I should tell whosit I am thinking of them. Or soinso that I dreamt about them last night."

Then I think, specifically because some of these people are at a distance for a reason, because some crazy stuff went down in our past and it's a little painful to recall it, I think that maybe I shouldn't say anything. Perhaps it hurts them when I say "I miss you."
This thought bothers me because I blame myself for pretty much everything that happens...But I think they might blame themselves, too. And I don't want them to think that me saying "I miss you," translates to "Why'd you have to screw up, ya dork! If you hadn't done ... we'd still be hangin' out."

Is this outlandish paranoia?

That translation isn't true, by the way. The reason we don't hang out is solely because I am a bad friend. I do not take the initiative. I hide out in my cave.

What "I miss you" really translates to is "I value you. You mean much to me. I love you and I'm sorry that I suck."

*sigh*

On a different sort of note. i had a really good day today. i may be a little hasty to state what i'm about to state, but here it is.
i feel like the something in the atmosphere has shifted. like the clouds have broken and the sun is shining. or maybe i can just see the beauty of the snow all of a sudden.

i'm speaking figuratively of course. my mental well being seems all of a sudden to be well. it seems like a little different from doom and dispair and gloom and "why, God, why"-ness. which is odd. cause he hasn't answered any of my questions.

I had a revelation a while back...way back. when i was in a time a spiritual draught, that even if God never showed himself to me like he has in the past, even if i never felt the way i did ever ever again, that it would be okay. cause i know he's touched my life. and what i've had is enough for the rest of my go at life.
that sounds brave. but what i'm trying to say is it's not because i won't need him for the rest of my life. it's because in those moments when he has been closest to me, he has been enough for the rest of all time. i have no idea if that makes any sense at all.

well anyhow, same rule applies now. Someone said once that they know that they don't want to go back to the way they were with God. Not because it was bad but because God is all about the new. He is about bringing us to new places to experience new things.
and it's like the clouds have broken and i get this all of a sudden. I don't know how this happens. but it isn't the first time, and it doesn't happen with fanfare. it is like the clouds shifting, quiet and subtle.

i just found this song and it is so right for right now that i think i might puke.


Tenth Avenue North "Times"
I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?
Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?
I hear You say,
"My love is over.
It's underneath.
It's inside.
It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My power alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

I got several thing to write aboot.

One of which being my endeavor to discover why on earth all the Twilight books are so crazy popular.
I had a theory. Have a theory, actually. It is that in the first book specifically, that we are drawn in by what I can explain best as the Sexy-Back effect. Justin Timberlake's song was largely successful (in my opinion,) because it tells you that you are sexy. People enjoy hearing that. Makes you feel all fluffy inside.
In Twilight, you begin with this non-descript girl. Nothing special. Super clumsy. Bookworm. She moves to this new school, and every boy in sight falls for her. Not only that, but the unobtainable, gorgeous, immortal vampire boy is freakishly attracted to her.
This alone makes the book fun to read. It's the psychology of it. And yes, I was completely taken in.
The other, more interesting draw I found was the character development. As the books went on and the plot was....not my favorite, you love it anyway cause you adore the characters cause the have been explained to you so very well that you know them.

So after discovering this, I looked at my own writing and found......that I suck at character development. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah, well. I now have to meet my people. I have to know them like Harold Crick. I have to spend some serious time chatting with them....I have to lose my mind again! Huzzah!!!!

Also, on a different note, I believe I may have another disorder to add to my list. Among the Peter Pan problemo and the slight schizo tendency, I may have something to do with my addiction to alone time. I don't know if I could label it as something different from what I've named, or if it simply a symptom.
People with schizophrenia can have catatonic symptoms, meaning they repeat the same motions again and again, not breaking from routine or they don't move at all. Often this manifests itself in a twitch or it can be bigger than that....i think.
I also know that people with OCD can have issues with leaving the house. I don't think I have OCD, I think I am lazy.

That's that....What else?

I watched last thursday's CSI. Gil Grissom left. I started to tear up when he was leaving the lab and then when he was wandering through the jungle I was sobbing. Elly thought I was insane.
well yeah.
I was SOOOO depressed after Sara left a while back. Like irrationally depressed over a tv show. No one should be that depressed over a tv show. But I was. And I was also, kid you not, sobbing for joy at the end of this one.
All I really have to say is that in a few years I will be like my mom and will cry during the commercials. *sigh* it is inevitable.

i had way more...but i can't think of 'em now. it's late. more than half of what i've written already makes no sense, so i'll quit now. oh, and here's the youtube of the day. makes me think of GSR. so here ya go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPf9Uksy91I

Backfire

I had a really freaky dream the other night.

Reader's digest version, my mom and I were watching these guys preform a play in a living-room-like setting. It got to a tense part in which the lights started flashing and the two men in front of us began to change. They transformed from human to something very inhuman with wrinkly long noses...ew.
Mom was telling me not to be afraid, which told me firstly that she was scared and secondly that I maybe should also be nervous. I was nervous. Actually, I was freaked.
I started whispering "Jesus, Jesus" under my breath until my jaw froze up. I couldn't say His name anymore. Then I was extremely scared. I knew something was very wrong.

The lights went out completely. A moment later the lights were back on. Intermission.

There were a couple of other people in the room. A few boys were looking at their arms, saying "He touched me." They had two little red marks on their arms, one near their wrists and the other on the flip side of their arms near the elbow. I had the marks too.
Mom and I were leaving, not wishing to see the rest.
The other lady that was there said something to the effect of "You guys are leaving right before the good forces vanquish the bad dudes! The whole point of the play is the redemptive ending."
We didn't care.

I woke up and my dog, Easton's head was right next to mine on the pillow. He groaned the most human, anguished groan you have ever imagined coming from a dog. Easton dreams often, and will bark or growl in his dreams, but I have never heard him make a noise like that before. Hewie-Lewie, that freaked me out more than the dream.
I immediately thought that whatever had brought my nightmare to me was bringing the same to him. I woke him up and did what I couldn't in my dream. I said Jesus over and over and over. And then when I was thinking a bit better, I prayed, rebuked the Enemy, and pled Jesus' blood over the house. Then I did what I haven't done in YEARS, I took Easton and we went upstairs, woke the parents up and had them pray for us.

I am very sure that there was a spirit of fear camping out in my room that night....Which....should freak me out....However, I find that it brings perspective. Sometimes, actually like all the time, I have a really rough time remembering that the world I see is only one very thin layer of the onion. And that we live in a world where angels and demons are very real.
I LOVE THIS PERSPECTIVE!!!!
Upon my word. I love the reality of the situation. I am small in a large spiritual war... And I have the God of the Universe there to help me out. Now, if you don't find that just plain spiffy, I don't know what to do with you!

Anyhow, I am enjoying pointing out how this backfired. An attempt to scare that crap out of me only worked momentarily. And now I feel braver than I have in about three years, I think. So there. Thank You, God. And as that lost boy said "that was a great game."

Hahaha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXQkplGz05c
The chorus of this song, I believe translates literally to say don't quit me. Which I think is rather poetic. The functional use of the phrase is don't leave me. Just a perdy song. Sting has an sweeeet voice.