I miss you

I have certain friends that I don't see anymore, but of course still on facebook with. I can never decide whether to message them or leave them comment or not. I think about it. A lot.

I think, "Perhaps I should tell whosit I am thinking of them. Or soinso that I dreamt about them last night."

Then I think, specifically because some of these people are at a distance for a reason, because some crazy stuff went down in our past and it's a little painful to recall it, I think that maybe I shouldn't say anything. Perhaps it hurts them when I say "I miss you."
This thought bothers me because I blame myself for pretty much everything that happens...But I think they might blame themselves, too. And I don't want them to think that me saying "I miss you," translates to "Why'd you have to screw up, ya dork! If you hadn't done ... we'd still be hangin' out."

Is this outlandish paranoia?

That translation isn't true, by the way. The reason we don't hang out is solely because I am a bad friend. I do not take the initiative. I hide out in my cave.

What "I miss you" really translates to is "I value you. You mean much to me. I love you and I'm sorry that I suck."

*sigh*

On a different sort of note. i had a really good day today. i may be a little hasty to state what i'm about to state, but here it is.
i feel like the something in the atmosphere has shifted. like the clouds have broken and the sun is shining. or maybe i can just see the beauty of the snow all of a sudden.

i'm speaking figuratively of course. my mental well being seems all of a sudden to be well. it seems like a little different from doom and dispair and gloom and "why, God, why"-ness. which is odd. cause he hasn't answered any of my questions.

I had a revelation a while back...way back. when i was in a time a spiritual draught, that even if God never showed himself to me like he has in the past, even if i never felt the way i did ever ever again, that it would be okay. cause i know he's touched my life. and what i've had is enough for the rest of my go at life.
that sounds brave. but what i'm trying to say is it's not because i won't need him for the rest of my life. it's because in those moments when he has been closest to me, he has been enough for the rest of all time. i have no idea if that makes any sense at all.

well anyhow, same rule applies now. Someone said once that they know that they don't want to go back to the way they were with God. Not because it was bad but because God is all about the new. He is about bringing us to new places to experience new things.
and it's like the clouds have broken and i get this all of a sudden. I don't know how this happens. but it isn't the first time, and it doesn't happen with fanfare. it is like the clouds shifting, quiet and subtle.

i just found this song and it is so right for right now that i think i might puke.


Tenth Avenue North "Times"
I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?
Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?
I hear You say,
"My love is over.
It's underneath.
It's inside.
It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My power alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."