i found a really old blogspot of mine the other day. i'd forgotten it's existence. so for the last couple of days i have been halfheartedly reading through my 2005 rants and being glad that i've grown up a little since then.

but at the same time, i am really glad that i shaved my head. it was glorious. and reading about it almost made me want to do it again....however it has taken me just about three years to grow my hair back out, so i think i will leave it for the moment.

why was that so much fun? there is something about defying our idiotic cultural norms that fires me up. i don't know. it's probably not a Biblically endorsed tendency. ah well.....

i was also reading through and noticing how involved emotionally i was in my friends lives (emo-child am i). how the little things they did that i disagreed with upset me. how i tried to fix them.....and i am done with that. my junior year of high school broke me. i found myself completely in over my head. through that lovely experience *sarcasm* i've learned that it's not my job to save people. it shouldn't even be a hobby. it's serious business and it's God's business.

i am close to the polar opposite now. i am close to nearly no one and i worry about no one. even the ones i know will get themselves into large piles of crap. i pray for them. and i'll be there for them if they want me to be. but i've realized that unless God gives me a specific thing to say to them, i have no place giving them "mom-talks" about their well being. because what i think is best more often than not, is not God's best.

and i am praying if this perspective on friendships is not God's best that i will find out real quick before i screw anything else up. i guess, my job in relationships is to know and trust Jesus.
that's hard....*heavy sigh*


K, bunny trail, but I have noticed that it is so much easier for me to be accept the truth when i am thinking about other people. when i have my friends in mind it's easy for me to say "Jesus loves you and forgives you." but it's much harder to tell myself the same thing. i'm not sure what that means. mom would probably relate it to me being prideful in some manner...and she's probably correct.

anyhow back to the whole ancient blog thing. i want to make a point of saying what i mean in this blog. cause if you asked me what i meant about half of the stuff in that old one, i wouldn't be able to tell you. i was always cryptic and beat around the bush a ton...and i was snotty about it too. cause if you didn't know then obviously you were just too dumb to be reading my blog and i wasn't writing it for you anyway. (whoa, i'm mean)

i know i am hard to understand sometimes......and unlike before i don't do it on purpose, but more out of habit...bad habit. and so basically if i am seeming to write some bizarre, wordy something that talks about stuff but never really tells you what the stuff is, call me on it.

sometimes i do it because i don't want to mention names and sometimes i just don't think everyone wants to hear all the hairy details....(and when i say hairy, i mean like world record for longest ear hair-hairy.) or sometimes it's cause my thoughts are a tangle of several mumbo-jumbos.

i just want to work on speaking and writing clearly. so you are now allowed to call me on my crypticness.