I wasn't going to post this, but here we go anyway.
I have realized that I've been stuck on a friendship that has long since past. I have been constantly looking back and thinking what ifs and feeling guilt about it. It has effected all my other relationships. I have been hiding. It's been painful to even think about moving on because I feared I would be betraying what I had. Like I owed the friend something.

I'm not saying things will suddenly be different now that I've realized this. I will say though that for the first time I've actually dared to think that they aren't stuck like I am, and maybe I don't need to be either.

Long, long, long time coming. I want to fall asleep with the peace the thought brings.

Of course I've known that I am probably the only one still dwelling on the past, but I'd hoped that perhaps things could be like they were again and maybe I'd be braver this time.

Now I think that they have all moved on and that's wonderful because I can too. No one is counting on me to do otherwise.

Y'know what else, if anything I did was wrong before, it is forgiven and far from me. The past does not define me. I am new....and shiny. A whole lot lighter if you ask me because the past isn't me any more.

So there ya go, another post that doesn't make sense. O wells.

A creep and a weirdo.

This is the greatest and best song in the world...k not really. but it's my favorite, right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEVOVN24R08
It's a Nine Inch Nails cover. love, love, love Flyleaf.

It has been forever since I've written a single thing on here. Seeing as I have been in this trend of expressively vomiting lately, I think I will update this baby. Just be warned, I feel as if the hormonal bit of my period didn't end when it should have...which would have been, what, two weeks ago, ish? I am so very moody and just generally a scary person right now.

My goldfish died. I'd cuss, if I were in the habit. Do you suppose people who cuss feel freer?....Is freer a word? Much more freer. Free-er? Whatever. Spell checker says yes. Freer. weird.
I loved that goldfish. It's dumb, I know, to love a goldfish. But "I often give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. " Name that movie.

There's this song that I love, partially cause it reminds me of someone I used to know. One of the lines in it goes something like "wage this war against your faith in me," and that's out of context of the song, and is actually just about the only song I actually like in the song...but I've always related to it. cause I've always felt like people's perceptions of me are way very mistaken. (ha ha, way very. that came out funny.)
Not saying people think I'm wonderful or anything, and if you do you are way very mucho mistaken, but some people think I'm nice.....which is all sorts of a misunderstanding. I am a coward. I am not nice. Let me tell you, you have mistaken my fear of upsetting people for a desire to not upset them at all. I wonder if all pacifists are cowards or just me? People think I am well-behaved because I've never had a boy, well that's cause I'm scared to death of it, not cause i don't want to. maybe y'all already knew that.
There are other things, but I am too lazy to list them...Let us deal with one thing at a time shall we.
Point being, I love that song cause I think life would be much easier if you all knew my deepest, dingiest thoughts. Then I could not feel like an impostor and we could all move on with our lives....*sigh* it doesn't matter what I feel.

This probably doesn't make a bit of sense. I kinda past caring.

I'm sorry, I have to write this. I know it's bad blogging all these problems instead of speaking to people about them, but it's always been easier for me. Path of least resistance, as it were...What does the phrase "as it were" mean? I have no clue. I just used it, tho.

I am developing a pet peeve. I hate it when people point out my problems...I know my problems. I am very, very aware. Golly, if i knew how to fix most of them, i would.
Some of them are just too comfortable to fix. That's my main issue right now, I don't care to fix my loner-ness. It is quite convenient to be by myself. I actually enjoy it most of the time. Amy Lee said once "I've learned to love being alone." That's me. I love it. It's the best. Mostly. A good portion of the time.

This loner tendency is just reinforced by the time I've practiced it. I feel awkward now when I'm with people. I should say more awkward. I don't fit anywhere. Sheesh this sucks, cause I used to. I used to know people that spoke my language. Oh wells. It's stupid to dwell on it, I spose. It is unlikely to occur again, therefor I must stop thinking about it and stop expecting it from people.
Learn a new language. A normal one, please.

Church. It's an interesting place. K, no it's not. But it is a place where my not-fitting-in-ness is exponentially magnified. I don't know how that happens, but it's how it has always been for me. I've gotten along just fine, comparatively except for at church. Course, I've had my buddies, who have been God sends and life savers and whom I've had to do without this last year.
Weeeeeeellls, I don't know why I feel like this. It's just the way it is. I wish I was ok with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5vC7mZK_PE

people are always so pretty at church....pretty, pretty people. lovely, really
...Ok, really? What am I doing here? bathing in bitterness, I suppose. Letting my toes get pruney.

Sleeping Pills

I am realizing that when I tell people I will call them, I should probably do it. Regardless of my fear of phones....
Cause even though I fully intended to shut this kid down for a second time, I am disappointed that the opportunity is gone cause he doesn't have the guts. Bummer.
I believe I'll add that to my extensive wish list of manly traits a man should have; guts, right next to a healthy objection to manicures. Men should not enjoy manicures. I don't care what you say. No, I will not argue with you. My mind is set.
Oh, and when I say guts, I do not mean the hair gel Guts. Only I am allowed to use that. Because I'm pretty, you ask? Yes, because I am pretty.

I had an experience recently, that I think I should blog about. Here I am. To blog.

Firstly, I had a dream that a horse was in my cousin's kitchen. It was a zombie horse. I knew cause it had yellow eyes. Anyhow, it was trying to bite me. No big deal really, I made it go away. But then it bit a jaguar and the jaguar-zombie was trying to eat me. So naturally, I caught it and was attempting to find a muzzle for the thing, but it was too busy at the cousins. I think they were giving all the little people bathes. That's what happens when you have many children, you have absolutely no time for zombies.

That was not the experience afore mentioned.
I had a really, really bad week at work last week. A parent threatened to pull his kid out of my class and take him elsewhere. (If I knew how to make one of those smiley faces look super stressed, I'd insert one right here.) It turned out ok, my boss came in and fixed it and he didn't pull his kid out and I'm happy cause he doesn't know that no one is as good as us.

That night I turned out the lights at midnight and laid in bed for three hours and thought about what on earth have I done to deserve this, and how the world suddenly ceased to be my oyster but instead that underwater mine field that the sharks live in on Finding Nemo, and of how I should tell boss that I need a vacation or I would need to be done.

And after waking my entire family up and about 2:40 am whilst searching for sleeping pills but only finding advil, I laid in bed and spoke very angrily with God. My mom told me that I need to be content with my life right now. I should list things that I am grateful for...Well, I tried. I tried as genuinely as I could at that hour of the night, while being as freaked as I was. It wasn't too heart felt. I listed all the stuff that I know I should be grateful for.....And I realized that I am really sick of being content with my life.
I am completely unsatisfied with where I am right now. If there is some verse that says that's a sin then, well, I guess I am a sinner. (ha, thank you captain obvious) You know what, I don't mind being unsatisfied with my life right now, because it is motivating. And I need that motivation.

That was the end of the night, however. I was still speaking angrily at God and telling Him how I relate to that flair that says "Losing faith in humanity, one person at a time." (Yes, I do discuss facebook flair with God, from time to time. It's deep.) I have come to the conclusion that people are pretty messed up and another word comes to mind instead of "messed," and I just feel really sorry for the genuinely good people I meet, cause it's only a matter of time till they are disillusioned.
The next logical conclusion is if the creation is so flawed what on earth was the Creator thinking? It's the age old question of "was free will really worth this?" If you look at what has been lost, I'd say no. Lucky for you all, it's not up to me.

All in all, I spose it's an amazing phenomenon that God would allow us free thinking abilities when He has taken into account the bad we are capable of, He saw instead the wonderful potential of his creations have. God is a good God. Theoretically, the good-potentials should over power the bad we've been doing, right? Maybe not. (All that made more sense in my head. I hope that wasn't too bizarre of a statement.)

Friday night I didn't think about that though. I was thinking that the world is coming to an end and I am going to be in a swimsuit, shouting at some kids who are attempting to drown themselves when it happens. Shoot.
So, I was asking God what the crap I have done wrong with my life. Which turn was it that was the wrong one? Which of course came back to the backbone of my questions, "Why can't I hear you anymore?"
I've been watching the tv show Kings and just recently in it the king, Silas has been forsaken by God. And I relate. Except, I don't believe I've done anything wrong....Cept being really mad at God. Well, what do I know. I probably did something, I just have no clue what it is.
Maybe this is part of growing up, if it is I would like to die now please.
Two years.
I know I've written earlier that what I have had before is good enough for now, which is good in theory, but bad in practice. I can't live on my own strength from day to day, with memory to help me. Man, I am freakishly forgetful. I can't do this. God is bigger than that.
So I said, out loud, to the dark (it's kinda scary talking to God about something you're angry about - I'm pretty sure, even though I was in the basement, God can figure out some way to smite me with lightning,) "Show me. Show me you are real. Show me you care about this crap."
That's when I fell asleep and I dreamt about the zombie horse.

Today my boss called to ask if I could sub next Saturday. I spilled. Which is normally really hard for me to talk about any thing sensitive like that anyway and this was on a PHONE. I told her all about how I couldn't take too much more of work, I was about to freak out, and needed some time off. So, next session I am off for two whole weeks. (Insert super happy smiley face) May I just say, WOOOOOOOOOT!
That was a God thing. She wasn't even calling for me, she was calling for my mum. Like whoa. I just happened to have the gumption to answer the phone when her name was blinkin' at me from the caller ID. I'll take it. Little tiny phone-shaped burning bush to say, "I know your limits better than you and I'm taking care of you."

And for all y'all that think this wasn't a big deal...You don't get it, I would not have called her by myself. And by the time Tuesday would have rolled around, I would have blocked it all from my memory and then something REAAALLY bad would have happened and I would have quit on the spot or something dramatic like that. And I was believing that God has me working here for a reason until last week and now I do again after that phone call.

It's really late now. My sleeping pills started kicking in like half an hour ago and I accidentally typed sleeping piss. haha, sorry mom, it was just too funny of an accident. This whole post may not make any sense in the morning, but I want to get it up while it's fresh in my mind.
I wanted tell you about how I absolutely cannot lean on my own understanding, and the next time I try to please act like you completely understand what I'm going through and then when I am least expecting it, slap my across the face with a large and raw fish carcass. I'll get more sleep that way.

Yesh, so thank you, Jesus.
And here's my song,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzyys6kW8yg
i haven't watched the video, i just love the song.

Oh, and mom, I'm sorry. I know it stresses you out when I am being an angsty teen-ish person. Sorry. And also about the whole not being too grateful thing. As with all the things that I halfway ignore what you've said to figure it out on my own, you're probably right. Actually I am pretty sure you're right, I just haven't figured out how it all fits together yet. it'll come together when i quit thinking of course.....so now that i've embarrassed you at least once, i think it's time to call it a night. *giggles* goodnight.

Wow, I am inspired lately. Holy moley. It seems like I go through times where I am frustrated always because I try to write and nothing comes out. And now I have so many ideas I can't seem to find enough time to get them down.

I can't figure out what has caused this.....It may have something to do with the contact I've had with friends lately. Or it could be the changing weather...I am in love with the rain. The rain and I are friends. I didn't realize it but I have been missing that rain...And although I'm a little sad that winter is gone, I'm glad for the rain. Oooooh, or maybe it was going to a wedding this Saturday....Who knows.

Weeeeell, alls I know is that my kiddos (characters in my story) are growing. And I am loving this process.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWD1oDnEfm0 I adore this music.

PS - I have discovered a cool new show. Kings...It's like the modern telling of the David and Goliath story...But mostly the David story. I need to reread it in the Bible so I can know where exactly it deviates from the actual story, which I know it does in a little more than a few ways. But altogether it is really cool. I LOVE symbolism in the a story, and this has lots of it.
The first episode was free on Itunes, but it might not be anymore...If not you can catch two episodes on Hulu.com

Holy Buckets of Crap, Batman!

Today, the sun was kind enough to thaw the Poop Marsh which is also sometimes referred to as my back yard. Naturally, the family cheerily gathered up their poop scooping equipment, which for me means a medium length shovel with a lovely square-ish spade (There's probably a fancy name for shovels like that, but I prefer to call it a medium length shovel with a lovely square-ish spade,) and a trash-bag-lined bucket. We sped forth in teams of two for thirty minute increments to conquer the land mined with dog doo.

It was while shoveling the approximate ten square feet that I covered into what would be a full bag at the end of my half hour, that I realized my motivation for scooping was half gone. My dog died. I cannot go back in and tease her about pooping so much and how I intend to toilet train her. In retrospect, such training would have saved her life. Odd.

In truth, this isn't the first day I've thought about this. The day after it snowed. All of her paw impressions were gone. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic, but it seemed like the entire world was ready to move on.

I guess I'm ok with that. I'm a pretty selfish person. If I can't find some way that I can fix it or could have fixed it then it doesn't deserve my thoughts...So, other than being a little sad that I don't see her standing at the top of the stairs when I come home and no one snuggles with me when I sit by the fire and Easton sleeps a lot more than he used to, I cannot bring myself to conjure up grief that she is gone. And if I could, I believe it would just cause other people feel guilty for making the decision to put her down.

You, however, are not allowed to think me callous. I did feel sad. And angry. And I did break out and was covered in fever blisters for a week or so....I have to prioritize now. I have to not think about how quickly she just isn't anymore and instead think about what my grief is causing others and about how I should be doing something with my life and what to do with my room next and how to keep my living dog healthy.

Anyhow, I didn't come to write about this. I wanted to write about how I am mad at certain persons for making me feel like because I really don't want to go to college it is my destiny to live in a van down by the river....and to those of you who would say "I thought that was your plan?" I say "Holy Buckets of Crap, Batman, people like that make me want to shave and tattoo my head simply for the shock value and the disapproving look on their faces that says I'm probably not included in the will anymore."

Anyone up for some cliff diving?

i found a really old blogspot of mine the other day. i'd forgotten it's existence. so for the last couple of days i have been halfheartedly reading through my 2005 rants and being glad that i've grown up a little since then.

but at the same time, i am really glad that i shaved my head. it was glorious. and reading about it almost made me want to do it again....however it has taken me just about three years to grow my hair back out, so i think i will leave it for the moment.

why was that so much fun? there is something about defying our idiotic cultural norms that fires me up. i don't know. it's probably not a Biblically endorsed tendency. ah well.....

i was also reading through and noticing how involved emotionally i was in my friends lives (emo-child am i). how the little things they did that i disagreed with upset me. how i tried to fix them.....and i am done with that. my junior year of high school broke me. i found myself completely in over my head. through that lovely experience *sarcasm* i've learned that it's not my job to save people. it shouldn't even be a hobby. it's serious business and it's God's business.

i am close to the polar opposite now. i am close to nearly no one and i worry about no one. even the ones i know will get themselves into large piles of crap. i pray for them. and i'll be there for them if they want me to be. but i've realized that unless God gives me a specific thing to say to them, i have no place giving them "mom-talks" about their well being. because what i think is best more often than not, is not God's best.

and i am praying if this perspective on friendships is not God's best that i will find out real quick before i screw anything else up. i guess, my job in relationships is to know and trust Jesus.
that's hard....*heavy sigh*


K, bunny trail, but I have noticed that it is so much easier for me to be accept the truth when i am thinking about other people. when i have my friends in mind it's easy for me to say "Jesus loves you and forgives you." but it's much harder to tell myself the same thing. i'm not sure what that means. mom would probably relate it to me being prideful in some manner...and she's probably correct.

anyhow back to the whole ancient blog thing. i want to make a point of saying what i mean in this blog. cause if you asked me what i meant about half of the stuff in that old one, i wouldn't be able to tell you. i was always cryptic and beat around the bush a ton...and i was snotty about it too. cause if you didn't know then obviously you were just too dumb to be reading my blog and i wasn't writing it for you anyway. (whoa, i'm mean)

i know i am hard to understand sometimes......and unlike before i don't do it on purpose, but more out of habit...bad habit. and so basically if i am seeming to write some bizarre, wordy something that talks about stuff but never really tells you what the stuff is, call me on it.

sometimes i do it because i don't want to mention names and sometimes i just don't think everyone wants to hear all the hairy details....(and when i say hairy, i mean like world record for longest ear hair-hairy.) or sometimes it's cause my thoughts are a tangle of several mumbo-jumbos.

i just want to work on speaking and writing clearly. so you are now allowed to call me on my crypticness.

HomeAgainJiggedyJig

I don't have much to write about.

Today my mom and I arrived back home from California after getting stuck in Dallas for about a day. Nothing like an airport to fray the nerves....I am considering traveling by train from now on. I am sick of the security hoo-ha. Although, trains are probably similar. I just wish it wasn't such an ordeal to travel.

Well, I have to tell you, I was unsuccessful. I did not cliff dive or even ride a dirt bike, or even a four wheeler......*sigh*......I did manage to fling myself into an extremely chilly pool. That was interesting. Oh and I did go to a museum full of paintings of half nude women. (pretty much thought we're gonna get thrown out, we were laughing so much. heh, glorious.)


Mark my words though, I will throw myself off a cliff before I submit myself to any form of matrimony....Hopefully rendering myself mangled in some way so's not to attract interest, thus forever granting myself freedom of the emotional and commitment kind for the entirety of my life following said reckless event.

After my trip to the rainy CA, I find myself wishing I was more motivated to write. I did hammer out one very important trait about one of my very important characters.

I smell. Living in the airport makes one stinky.

One of the most enjoyable things about California was without a doubt seeing my mom with all her old friends. Somehow it was important for me to see relationships that haven't faded over time. Even over the big distances and lack of contact. Not that I feel I have an excuse to let people slip away, but I just have a little bit of hope that maybe the people who life whisks away from me will still be good friends when we're allowed some time together again.
I hope that makes sense.
It's also a kick in the butt for me to get out there with some antiseptic and band aids to try and do what I can to fix some relationships I mashed up earlier.

Here is the mv of the day...i take it back, mv of the month - until further notice. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bap-oZI-Grc
Love the song....because my life would suck without all y'all...cheesesmile

Guess I did have a lot to write aboot. I now go to shower.
ShTINKyNESS-EXTERMINATION-AWAY!!!!! whoootah. (it's good to be home.)