Will you know me?

Bare with me here. I just really want to post this. I realize it's not the wisest thing to do but to paraphrase a brilliant person (during Dollhouse), freedom is being allowed to make your own mistakes. This very well may be one of those mistakes. This crazy person likes to publicize their mistakes as much as possible.

This is a sort of letter, in a series of letters written to a lost friend of mine.
I am not publicizing so that they see it, necessarily. But because today I remembered what it was like to hug someone. Without going out of my way to seem any more emo than I already do, this is my way of letting you all know me. I want so very badly to be known by someone. I wish I could walk around with an x-ray all the time so you all could always see my guts. To hell with the radiation side effects. It would be worth the extra heads I'd grow.
Please, please, please do not mistake this as an act of bravery. I am a coward, a desperately lonely one.





I woke this morning and remembered I dreamed of you last night.

I don't think you'll ever know how disturbing that is to me.

Not because you were mean in the dream, cause you weren't.

I can't remember what I dreamt, but I think you were trying to make me better. To fix me.

I am broken, you know. I don't know how I got this way. Don't worry, all my theories lead me to believe it was my fault.

I'll tell you why the dream is upsetting to me.

It's cause I'm trying to move on.

Honestly trying. Not half-heartedly, sorta doing it. I have surrendered to the change, the reality of not seeing you everyday but still wishing to. And I am shooting my thoughts of you out of the sky, so that maybe one day I won't think to wonder where you are and what you dreamed about last night.

I'm letting you go, so that I can breathe again.

I've been doing well. I've been succeeding in a strange way that feels akin to amputating an arm. Then I dream of you and I have the phantom pains, like I am on the outside of the window looking in on your life and you looking at mine. And God knows, that dammit, it hurts. But He isn't telling why.

In my mind you are the same person who looked at me silently, doing everything in your power to make it better. To undo it from the very beginning.

Perhaps that's why it hurts.




The end.

I try to post a link every time I update. On So You Think You Can Dance this week, on of the girls, Kathryn, used this song for her solo. I tried to find video of that. (it was beautiful) It's actually not letting me post anything for some reason right now, so go to youtube and look up Brooke Fraser's Shadowfeet. It's my song of the week.

oh, and i've decided not to apologize for my written language. I think the words all the time, and my writing exposes my heart of hearts. I only speak da bad words when it's fitting and in the right company. cause i work with kids, live with an 8 year-old sister and I don't want to form any sort of verbal habit...or give my mom a heart attack. However, it's already a mental habit and is manifesting onto my pages. o wells. there are worse things.