Sleeping Pills

I am realizing that when I tell people I will call them, I should probably do it. Regardless of my fear of phones....
Cause even though I fully intended to shut this kid down for a second time, I am disappointed that the opportunity is gone cause he doesn't have the guts. Bummer.
I believe I'll add that to my extensive wish list of manly traits a man should have; guts, right next to a healthy objection to manicures. Men should not enjoy manicures. I don't care what you say. No, I will not argue with you. My mind is set.
Oh, and when I say guts, I do not mean the hair gel Guts. Only I am allowed to use that. Because I'm pretty, you ask? Yes, because I am pretty.

I had an experience recently, that I think I should blog about. Here I am. To blog.

Firstly, I had a dream that a horse was in my cousin's kitchen. It was a zombie horse. I knew cause it had yellow eyes. Anyhow, it was trying to bite me. No big deal really, I made it go away. But then it bit a jaguar and the jaguar-zombie was trying to eat me. So naturally, I caught it and was attempting to find a muzzle for the thing, but it was too busy at the cousins. I think they were giving all the little people bathes. That's what happens when you have many children, you have absolutely no time for zombies.

That was not the experience afore mentioned.
I had a really, really bad week at work last week. A parent threatened to pull his kid out of my class and take him elsewhere. (If I knew how to make one of those smiley faces look super stressed, I'd insert one right here.) It turned out ok, my boss came in and fixed it and he didn't pull his kid out and I'm happy cause he doesn't know that no one is as good as us.

That night I turned out the lights at midnight and laid in bed for three hours and thought about what on earth have I done to deserve this, and how the world suddenly ceased to be my oyster but instead that underwater mine field that the sharks live in on Finding Nemo, and of how I should tell boss that I need a vacation or I would need to be done.

And after waking my entire family up and about 2:40 am whilst searching for sleeping pills but only finding advil, I laid in bed and spoke very angrily with God. My mom told me that I need to be content with my life right now. I should list things that I am grateful for...Well, I tried. I tried as genuinely as I could at that hour of the night, while being as freaked as I was. It wasn't too heart felt. I listed all the stuff that I know I should be grateful for.....And I realized that I am really sick of being content with my life.
I am completely unsatisfied with where I am right now. If there is some verse that says that's a sin then, well, I guess I am a sinner. (ha, thank you captain obvious) You know what, I don't mind being unsatisfied with my life right now, because it is motivating. And I need that motivation.

That was the end of the night, however. I was still speaking angrily at God and telling Him how I relate to that flair that says "Losing faith in humanity, one person at a time." (Yes, I do discuss facebook flair with God, from time to time. It's deep.) I have come to the conclusion that people are pretty messed up and another word comes to mind instead of "messed," and I just feel really sorry for the genuinely good people I meet, cause it's only a matter of time till they are disillusioned.
The next logical conclusion is if the creation is so flawed what on earth was the Creator thinking? It's the age old question of "was free will really worth this?" If you look at what has been lost, I'd say no. Lucky for you all, it's not up to me.

All in all, I spose it's an amazing phenomenon that God would allow us free thinking abilities when He has taken into account the bad we are capable of, He saw instead the wonderful potential of his creations have. God is a good God. Theoretically, the good-potentials should over power the bad we've been doing, right? Maybe not. (All that made more sense in my head. I hope that wasn't too bizarre of a statement.)

Friday night I didn't think about that though. I was thinking that the world is coming to an end and I am going to be in a swimsuit, shouting at some kids who are attempting to drown themselves when it happens. Shoot.
So, I was asking God what the crap I have done wrong with my life. Which turn was it that was the wrong one? Which of course came back to the backbone of my questions, "Why can't I hear you anymore?"
I've been watching the tv show Kings and just recently in it the king, Silas has been forsaken by God. And I relate. Except, I don't believe I've done anything wrong....Cept being really mad at God. Well, what do I know. I probably did something, I just have no clue what it is.
Maybe this is part of growing up, if it is I would like to die now please.
Two years.
I know I've written earlier that what I have had before is good enough for now, which is good in theory, but bad in practice. I can't live on my own strength from day to day, with memory to help me. Man, I am freakishly forgetful. I can't do this. God is bigger than that.
So I said, out loud, to the dark (it's kinda scary talking to God about something you're angry about - I'm pretty sure, even though I was in the basement, God can figure out some way to smite me with lightning,) "Show me. Show me you are real. Show me you care about this crap."
That's when I fell asleep and I dreamt about the zombie horse.

Today my boss called to ask if I could sub next Saturday. I spilled. Which is normally really hard for me to talk about any thing sensitive like that anyway and this was on a PHONE. I told her all about how I couldn't take too much more of work, I was about to freak out, and needed some time off. So, next session I am off for two whole weeks. (Insert super happy smiley face) May I just say, WOOOOOOOOOT!
That was a God thing. She wasn't even calling for me, she was calling for my mum. Like whoa. I just happened to have the gumption to answer the phone when her name was blinkin' at me from the caller ID. I'll take it. Little tiny phone-shaped burning bush to say, "I know your limits better than you and I'm taking care of you."

And for all y'all that think this wasn't a big deal...You don't get it, I would not have called her by myself. And by the time Tuesday would have rolled around, I would have blocked it all from my memory and then something REAAALLY bad would have happened and I would have quit on the spot or something dramatic like that. And I was believing that God has me working here for a reason until last week and now I do again after that phone call.

It's really late now. My sleeping pills started kicking in like half an hour ago and I accidentally typed sleeping piss. haha, sorry mom, it was just too funny of an accident. This whole post may not make any sense in the morning, but I want to get it up while it's fresh in my mind.
I wanted tell you about how I absolutely cannot lean on my own understanding, and the next time I try to please act like you completely understand what I'm going through and then when I am least expecting it, slap my across the face with a large and raw fish carcass. I'll get more sleep that way.

Yesh, so thank you, Jesus.
And here's my song,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzyys6kW8yg
i haven't watched the video, i just love the song.

Oh, and mom, I'm sorry. I know it stresses you out when I am being an angsty teen-ish person. Sorry. And also about the whole not being too grateful thing. As with all the things that I halfway ignore what you've said to figure it out on my own, you're probably right. Actually I am pretty sure you're right, I just haven't figured out how it all fits together yet. it'll come together when i quit thinking of course.....so now that i've embarrassed you at least once, i think it's time to call it a night. *giggles* goodnight.