I have to post this video. This song is every bit me, right now. It's the process I've been in for forever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WaVv874DfE


The knowledge that I should stop this is never enough to actually stop me. In a matter of weeks I'll want it back and I'll feel guilty for neglecting it and have to grovel which will not help anything. It's less work to just maintain the connection I have to it.

Everything is so busy right now. How bizarre that only a couple weeks after the fall starts, my life is stacked with volumes of people and worries that it should be bursting were I to adhere to previous standards of busy-ness. But it's not. And I like it like this. It's beautiful chaos. A never ending tumble-dry setting to rid me of the rain.
Seasons.

I like that my life is no longer defined by desolation. I also like that it was not some boy that pulled me out of the hole I was living in.

Speaking of boys, I am irked by people's apparent desire to set me up with them. Firstly I did not just finish 14 years of school to just settle down. Forget it.
Secondly I refuse to be the pretty, dolled-up girl they require of me. I am not a prize to be won. I'm not something to obtain. I am not something to do. I am not something to complete them. I'm not sure what I am per say, but I know what I am not.
Thirdly I have a lot of decisions to make at this juncture and I'd like to make them without having to consider a "soul mate" into the equation.

Sometimes I think people take relationships way too lightly and loneliness too seriously. Loneliness won't kill ya. Not unless you live in Hollywood. Take it easy. Don't sell yourself out for a little, short term comfort.

I think everyone may have forgotten about blogs.

.............



I started school a few weeks ago. Ironically, I am loving school now. I think it was wise to break for a year. I had 14 strait years of school, for heaven's sake. That's a lot. A person deserves a break. I am ready for the challenge. We'll see how long my enthusiasm lasts.



I am really feeling a lot better, mentally. Truly. I'm not just saying it.
I do think that I am a little addicted to the feeling of grieving something. I have nothing left to grieve anymore really. But I think it might only be a matter of time before I dig something else up. I don't think I can stand to go too long without that achy feeling in my chest. Weird, no? I don't know what that is. I'm just telling you.



My fish tanks need cleaning. I am sooooo very tired all the time. I think I've already written on here that I've read somewhere the insomniacs experience a feeling of euphoria when they are really sleep deprived....which I don't disagree with. I just lay there and think about everything. Seriously everything. Until my eyes start making funny shapes out of the shadows.



I think the thing that I wonder about most is how all these amazing things are happening in the lives of the people I love. Amazing God things.

I feel nothing....Nothing but that empty nothing-ness sort of feeling.

Now, I know feelings are dumb. They lie. And I also know that it's not about me. And please do not misunderstand me, I am very, very happy that the people I love are being changed and metamorphosing into new and amazing people. I just feel like the doofus who's radio must be tuned to the wrong station or something cause I am not getting too much here. Just a load of static.



I know that theoretically, the answer to this problemo is to speak truth to myself...but at the same time.....I don't know, I'm just stubborn. I know the truth. I know God is there. I know He cares about me. So in a way this numbness is making the truth worse for me to hear. It makes me angry. Not even gonna lie. I am mad at God. I know that He is all powerful. He could stop this. So.....? What's the deal here?

I dunno.



And there is that small part of my brain that's screaming at me, saying that the whole last paragraph is bull, and I know it. Let me revise. God is here with me. God loves me. God will never leave me or forsake me. He's right here. He's right here. He's right here. He's right here. He's right here.



What else? there is nothing else. that's all.

I told you I'd find something to be sad about. I'm addicted to the sadness. I told you.

*edit*
I wrote-ed this a while ago, but I haven't posted it cause I wanted to skim over it to make sure there is not any dumb-ness in there, but then I thought Where would life be without dumbness?
In a very boring place, Jimmy. That's where.

I'd also like to add that I am getting enough sleep to let me dream again. Which is GLORIOUS! dreaming is my favorite. wonderful. spiffy. shiny-ness.
Last night I dreamed that I was in the desert somewhere and way down underground was some sort of metal that caused other metals that came over it to emit electrical energy and do crazy stuff. So I had earings in and they were allowing my ears to pick up sound better when I was there. (so cool) and so I could here people's hearts beating and their footsteps and stuffs.
perdy sweet.

that's all

I wasn't going to post this, but here we go anyway.
I have realized that I've been stuck on a friendship that has long since past. I have been constantly looking back and thinking what ifs and feeling guilt about it. It has effected all my other relationships. I have been hiding. It's been painful to even think about moving on because I feared I would be betraying what I had. Like I owed the friend something.

I'm not saying things will suddenly be different now that I've realized this. I will say though that for the first time I've actually dared to think that they aren't stuck like I am, and maybe I don't need to be either.

Long, long, long time coming. I want to fall asleep with the peace the thought brings.

Of course I've known that I am probably the only one still dwelling on the past, but I'd hoped that perhaps things could be like they were again and maybe I'd be braver this time.

Now I think that they have all moved on and that's wonderful because I can too. No one is counting on me to do otherwise.

Y'know what else, if anything I did was wrong before, it is forgiven and far from me. The past does not define me. I am new....and shiny. A whole lot lighter if you ask me because the past isn't me any more.

So there ya go, another post that doesn't make sense. O wells.

A creep and a weirdo.

This is the greatest and best song in the world...k not really. but it's my favorite, right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEVOVN24R08
It's a Nine Inch Nails cover. love, love, love Flyleaf.

It has been forever since I've written a single thing on here. Seeing as I have been in this trend of expressively vomiting lately, I think I will update this baby. Just be warned, I feel as if the hormonal bit of my period didn't end when it should have...which would have been, what, two weeks ago, ish? I am so very moody and just generally a scary person right now.

My goldfish died. I'd cuss, if I were in the habit. Do you suppose people who cuss feel freer?....Is freer a word? Much more freer. Free-er? Whatever. Spell checker says yes. Freer. weird.
I loved that goldfish. It's dumb, I know, to love a goldfish. But "I often give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. " Name that movie.

There's this song that I love, partially cause it reminds me of someone I used to know. One of the lines in it goes something like "wage this war against your faith in me," and that's out of context of the song, and is actually just about the only song I actually like in the song...but I've always related to it. cause I've always felt like people's perceptions of me are way very mistaken. (ha ha, way very. that came out funny.)
Not saying people think I'm wonderful or anything, and if you do you are way very mucho mistaken, but some people think I'm nice.....which is all sorts of a misunderstanding. I am a coward. I am not nice. Let me tell you, you have mistaken my fear of upsetting people for a desire to not upset them at all. I wonder if all pacifists are cowards or just me? People think I am well-behaved because I've never had a boy, well that's cause I'm scared to death of it, not cause i don't want to. maybe y'all already knew that.
There are other things, but I am too lazy to list them...Let us deal with one thing at a time shall we.
Point being, I love that song cause I think life would be much easier if you all knew my deepest, dingiest thoughts. Then I could not feel like an impostor and we could all move on with our lives....*sigh* it doesn't matter what I feel.

This probably doesn't make a bit of sense. I kinda past caring.

I'm sorry, I have to write this. I know it's bad blogging all these problems instead of speaking to people about them, but it's always been easier for me. Path of least resistance, as it were...What does the phrase "as it were" mean? I have no clue. I just used it, tho.

I am developing a pet peeve. I hate it when people point out my problems...I know my problems. I am very, very aware. Golly, if i knew how to fix most of them, i would.
Some of them are just too comfortable to fix. That's my main issue right now, I don't care to fix my loner-ness. It is quite convenient to be by myself. I actually enjoy it most of the time. Amy Lee said once "I've learned to love being alone." That's me. I love it. It's the best. Mostly. A good portion of the time.

This loner tendency is just reinforced by the time I've practiced it. I feel awkward now when I'm with people. I should say more awkward. I don't fit anywhere. Sheesh this sucks, cause I used to. I used to know people that spoke my language. Oh wells. It's stupid to dwell on it, I spose. It is unlikely to occur again, therefor I must stop thinking about it and stop expecting it from people.
Learn a new language. A normal one, please.

Church. It's an interesting place. K, no it's not. But it is a place where my not-fitting-in-ness is exponentially magnified. I don't know how that happens, but it's how it has always been for me. I've gotten along just fine, comparatively except for at church. Course, I've had my buddies, who have been God sends and life savers and whom I've had to do without this last year.
Weeeeeeellls, I don't know why I feel like this. It's just the way it is. I wish I was ok with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5vC7mZK_PE

people are always so pretty at church....pretty, pretty people. lovely, really
...Ok, really? What am I doing here? bathing in bitterness, I suppose. Letting my toes get pruney.

Sleeping Pills

I am realizing that when I tell people I will call them, I should probably do it. Regardless of my fear of phones....
Cause even though I fully intended to shut this kid down for a second time, I am disappointed that the opportunity is gone cause he doesn't have the guts. Bummer.
I believe I'll add that to my extensive wish list of manly traits a man should have; guts, right next to a healthy objection to manicures. Men should not enjoy manicures. I don't care what you say. No, I will not argue with you. My mind is set.
Oh, and when I say guts, I do not mean the hair gel Guts. Only I am allowed to use that. Because I'm pretty, you ask? Yes, because I am pretty.

I had an experience recently, that I think I should blog about. Here I am. To blog.

Firstly, I had a dream that a horse was in my cousin's kitchen. It was a zombie horse. I knew cause it had yellow eyes. Anyhow, it was trying to bite me. No big deal really, I made it go away. But then it bit a jaguar and the jaguar-zombie was trying to eat me. So naturally, I caught it and was attempting to find a muzzle for the thing, but it was too busy at the cousins. I think they were giving all the little people bathes. That's what happens when you have many children, you have absolutely no time for zombies.

That was not the experience afore mentioned.
I had a really, really bad week at work last week. A parent threatened to pull his kid out of my class and take him elsewhere. (If I knew how to make one of those smiley faces look super stressed, I'd insert one right here.) It turned out ok, my boss came in and fixed it and he didn't pull his kid out and I'm happy cause he doesn't know that no one is as good as us.

That night I turned out the lights at midnight and laid in bed for three hours and thought about what on earth have I done to deserve this, and how the world suddenly ceased to be my oyster but instead that underwater mine field that the sharks live in on Finding Nemo, and of how I should tell boss that I need a vacation or I would need to be done.

And after waking my entire family up and about 2:40 am whilst searching for sleeping pills but only finding advil, I laid in bed and spoke very angrily with God. My mom told me that I need to be content with my life right now. I should list things that I am grateful for...Well, I tried. I tried as genuinely as I could at that hour of the night, while being as freaked as I was. It wasn't too heart felt. I listed all the stuff that I know I should be grateful for.....And I realized that I am really sick of being content with my life.
I am completely unsatisfied with where I am right now. If there is some verse that says that's a sin then, well, I guess I am a sinner. (ha, thank you captain obvious) You know what, I don't mind being unsatisfied with my life right now, because it is motivating. And I need that motivation.

That was the end of the night, however. I was still speaking angrily at God and telling Him how I relate to that flair that says "Losing faith in humanity, one person at a time." (Yes, I do discuss facebook flair with God, from time to time. It's deep.) I have come to the conclusion that people are pretty messed up and another word comes to mind instead of "messed," and I just feel really sorry for the genuinely good people I meet, cause it's only a matter of time till they are disillusioned.
The next logical conclusion is if the creation is so flawed what on earth was the Creator thinking? It's the age old question of "was free will really worth this?" If you look at what has been lost, I'd say no. Lucky for you all, it's not up to me.

All in all, I spose it's an amazing phenomenon that God would allow us free thinking abilities when He has taken into account the bad we are capable of, He saw instead the wonderful potential of his creations have. God is a good God. Theoretically, the good-potentials should over power the bad we've been doing, right? Maybe not. (All that made more sense in my head. I hope that wasn't too bizarre of a statement.)

Friday night I didn't think about that though. I was thinking that the world is coming to an end and I am going to be in a swimsuit, shouting at some kids who are attempting to drown themselves when it happens. Shoot.
So, I was asking God what the crap I have done wrong with my life. Which turn was it that was the wrong one? Which of course came back to the backbone of my questions, "Why can't I hear you anymore?"
I've been watching the tv show Kings and just recently in it the king, Silas has been forsaken by God. And I relate. Except, I don't believe I've done anything wrong....Cept being really mad at God. Well, what do I know. I probably did something, I just have no clue what it is.
Maybe this is part of growing up, if it is I would like to die now please.
Two years.
I know I've written earlier that what I have had before is good enough for now, which is good in theory, but bad in practice. I can't live on my own strength from day to day, with memory to help me. Man, I am freakishly forgetful. I can't do this. God is bigger than that.
So I said, out loud, to the dark (it's kinda scary talking to God about something you're angry about - I'm pretty sure, even though I was in the basement, God can figure out some way to smite me with lightning,) "Show me. Show me you are real. Show me you care about this crap."
That's when I fell asleep and I dreamt about the zombie horse.

Today my boss called to ask if I could sub next Saturday. I spilled. Which is normally really hard for me to talk about any thing sensitive like that anyway and this was on a PHONE. I told her all about how I couldn't take too much more of work, I was about to freak out, and needed some time off. So, next session I am off for two whole weeks. (Insert super happy smiley face) May I just say, WOOOOOOOOOT!
That was a God thing. She wasn't even calling for me, she was calling for my mum. Like whoa. I just happened to have the gumption to answer the phone when her name was blinkin' at me from the caller ID. I'll take it. Little tiny phone-shaped burning bush to say, "I know your limits better than you and I'm taking care of you."

And for all y'all that think this wasn't a big deal...You don't get it, I would not have called her by myself. And by the time Tuesday would have rolled around, I would have blocked it all from my memory and then something REAAALLY bad would have happened and I would have quit on the spot or something dramatic like that. And I was believing that God has me working here for a reason until last week and now I do again after that phone call.

It's really late now. My sleeping pills started kicking in like half an hour ago and I accidentally typed sleeping piss. haha, sorry mom, it was just too funny of an accident. This whole post may not make any sense in the morning, but I want to get it up while it's fresh in my mind.
I wanted tell you about how I absolutely cannot lean on my own understanding, and the next time I try to please act like you completely understand what I'm going through and then when I am least expecting it, slap my across the face with a large and raw fish carcass. I'll get more sleep that way.

Yesh, so thank you, Jesus.
And here's my song,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzyys6kW8yg
i haven't watched the video, i just love the song.

Oh, and mom, I'm sorry. I know it stresses you out when I am being an angsty teen-ish person. Sorry. And also about the whole not being too grateful thing. As with all the things that I halfway ignore what you've said to figure it out on my own, you're probably right. Actually I am pretty sure you're right, I just haven't figured out how it all fits together yet. it'll come together when i quit thinking of course.....so now that i've embarrassed you at least once, i think it's time to call it a night. *giggles* goodnight.

Wow, I am inspired lately. Holy moley. It seems like I go through times where I am frustrated always because I try to write and nothing comes out. And now I have so many ideas I can't seem to find enough time to get them down.

I can't figure out what has caused this.....It may have something to do with the contact I've had with friends lately. Or it could be the changing weather...I am in love with the rain. The rain and I are friends. I didn't realize it but I have been missing that rain...And although I'm a little sad that winter is gone, I'm glad for the rain. Oooooh, or maybe it was going to a wedding this Saturday....Who knows.

Weeeeell, alls I know is that my kiddos (characters in my story) are growing. And I am loving this process.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWD1oDnEfm0 I adore this music.

PS - I have discovered a cool new show. Kings...It's like the modern telling of the David and Goliath story...But mostly the David story. I need to reread it in the Bible so I can know where exactly it deviates from the actual story, which I know it does in a little more than a few ways. But altogether it is really cool. I LOVE symbolism in the a story, and this has lots of it.
The first episode was free on Itunes, but it might not be anymore...If not you can catch two episodes on Hulu.com

Holy Buckets of Crap, Batman!

Today, the sun was kind enough to thaw the Poop Marsh which is also sometimes referred to as my back yard. Naturally, the family cheerily gathered up their poop scooping equipment, which for me means a medium length shovel with a lovely square-ish spade (There's probably a fancy name for shovels like that, but I prefer to call it a medium length shovel with a lovely square-ish spade,) and a trash-bag-lined bucket. We sped forth in teams of two for thirty minute increments to conquer the land mined with dog doo.

It was while shoveling the approximate ten square feet that I covered into what would be a full bag at the end of my half hour, that I realized my motivation for scooping was half gone. My dog died. I cannot go back in and tease her about pooping so much and how I intend to toilet train her. In retrospect, such training would have saved her life. Odd.

In truth, this isn't the first day I've thought about this. The day after it snowed. All of her paw impressions were gone. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic, but it seemed like the entire world was ready to move on.

I guess I'm ok with that. I'm a pretty selfish person. If I can't find some way that I can fix it or could have fixed it then it doesn't deserve my thoughts...So, other than being a little sad that I don't see her standing at the top of the stairs when I come home and no one snuggles with me when I sit by the fire and Easton sleeps a lot more than he used to, I cannot bring myself to conjure up grief that she is gone. And if I could, I believe it would just cause other people feel guilty for making the decision to put her down.

You, however, are not allowed to think me callous. I did feel sad. And angry. And I did break out and was covered in fever blisters for a week or so....I have to prioritize now. I have to not think about how quickly she just isn't anymore and instead think about what my grief is causing others and about how I should be doing something with my life and what to do with my room next and how to keep my living dog healthy.

Anyhow, I didn't come to write about this. I wanted to write about how I am mad at certain persons for making me feel like because I really don't want to go to college it is my destiny to live in a van down by the river....and to those of you who would say "I thought that was your plan?" I say "Holy Buckets of Crap, Batman, people like that make me want to shave and tattoo my head simply for the shock value and the disapproving look on their faces that says I'm probably not included in the will anymore."

Anyone up for some cliff diving?